AIO because I feel trapped at home and struggling with my mom

Hi everyone, I really need to vent. I’m 14 and living with my mom, and I’m feeling really trapped and stressed at home. My mom gets extremely angry over almost anything — even small things like forgetting to wash the dishes or minor mistakes — and she sometimes ignores me for days or weeks. She also says hurtful things, tells me she’s “done with me,” and uses everything I tell her against me. Because of this, I don’t feel safe confiding in her or even in friends, since she knows everyone I’m close to.

A recent incident really upset me. I was taking my brother to a summer camp where I volunteer. On the way back, I found a shortcut. I told my mom I was leaving early because the heat was unbearable (Canada heat is intense), and she said she would pick me up at a specific street. I walked on a different street by mistake, but I wasn’t lost — I knew the way home. When she picked us up with my cousin, she got extremely angry and said, “you’re looking to kill me” and accused me of doing it on purpose. I apologized multiple times and explained everything, but she called my explanations “excuses” and ignored me. My cousin wasn’t upset at all, which makes me feel like her reaction was more about her fear and stress than my actual behavior.

This kind of thing happens a lot. For example, the other day I was saying something to her, and she didn’t hear the last sentence, so I said, “forget about it.” Or another time, I accidentally called her “bro,” and she yelled at me, saying I was disrespectful and treating her like we’re the same age. I feel scared of her words and actions, and it’s exhausting living like this. I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells around her.

I also struggle with my own feelings. Sometimes I crave attention and male validation, and I catch myself doing risky things online in moments of vulnerability. I feel scared of my impulses, but I don’t want to hurt myself or make bad choices. I often wish I could live alone so I could have some control over my life, but I also don’t want to cut my mom off. CPS isn’t an option — I don’t want to be placed with foster parents or ruin my brother’s life.

Right now, I’m trying to focus all my emotions into studying because school starts in two weeks, but it’s hard to manage my stress, fear, and motivation at the same time. I just needed to share all of this somewhere safe because I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone in real life without it getting back to my mom. I need advice because I don’t know what to do. Sorry if this is long.