i think i just lived my own coming of age summer... and now it's over

this is my love story from this summer. everything is still fresh, but i wanted a means of capturing every moment in a way that i can read back on and reminisce because I'm still heartbroken. sorry if this is long, i just didn't want to skip out on any details.

him and i... we met at the very start of our senior year, though if you'd told me then just how much he'd come to mean to me, i wouldn't have believed it. before we ever exchanged a single word, he already noticed me. he approached my best friend after a water polo game, wanting to know if i was single. he thought i was beautiful and wanted to approach me, but instead of rushing in, he asked her the best way to befriend me and get to know me.

fate didn't waste much time. we officially met through the homecoming court: there were three girls and three boys, one of which was him. our first real conversation was during the traditional luncheon for the court---nothing monumental, just a start. but later, when i won homecoming queen, he was one of the first to congratulate me. he even offered me his sweater when the night turned chilly. that simple, thoughtful gesture was where it all quietly began.

from mid-september to late november, we talked, slowly building something warm. but then, reality stepped in. he knew he'd be leaving the state we lived in for college, so he decided it was best to not get attached. i agreed, even though part of me wanted to fight it. we ended on amicable terms. we still went to our high school formal together, and i treated it as a bittersweet goodbye.

by february, he'd been out of my orbit for a while--- until i heard he'd been sick with valley fever, missing over two weeks of school. when he returned, he was thinner and a little sickly. i worried from afar. we weren't talking, but i still cared. then one day, a mutual friend messaged me, asking if i had a date to the sadie hawkin's dance. when I said no, she told me his mom wouldn't let him attend unless a girl asked him out--- and that he wanted that girl to be me.

so i did. I made him a water-polo themed poster, because that's the main sport he played (he was captain), and we went as friends. but "friends" was only the surface--- underneath, the air between us was different. after sadie's, we drifted apart again, slipping back into separate routines.

two weeks later, out of nowhere, he texted me, asking if I wanted to get ice cream. perplexed, i said yes. it felt like a date, though neither of us named it. it wasn't until he was dropping me off that he told me he wanted to try again with me--- to see if we could make it work. i still liked him, so i agreed. but within two days, we ended it. the shadow of leaving far for college was still there, and neither of us wanted to build something we couldn't keep.

we moved on separately, at least on the surface. at prom, we had different dates, yet i caught him looking at me more than once. i refused to acknowledge it. we made it to graduation without any more romantic steps. we signed each other's yearbooks like any other classmates. after the ceremony, my mom pulled us together for pictures, unaware of our complicated history. we laughed about it, then moved on.

then came the grad parties. at a mutual friend's party, I didn't know he'd be there. but somehow, we ended up in the pool together, talking for over two hours about everything we'd missed in those two months apart. it felt easy. he invited me to his grad party, where we continued our conversation as if no time had passed at all.

a week later, he invited me to his grandparents' house to help make a family recipe. after we were done cooking, we slipped away to his room where i saw pieces of his world--- his vinyls, his guitars, his computer, his lego collection, things he hadn't shown me before. eventually, the conversation slowed. i sat on his bed, he sat beside me, and I felt the air change. he seemed tense, hesitant. I broke the silence: "if you kissed me, I wouldn't be mad at you." his face when slack in shock. "what?" he asked. I repeated myself and leaned in.

our first kiss was awkward, it was shy and uncertain. i stood, moved in front of him, grabbed his face, and kissed him again. he still didn't touch me, so i took his hands and wrapped them around my waist. and just like that, something new bloomed between us.

our summer felt like a string of stolen days and nights. we had movie dates, sometimes in theaters, sometimes at home, curled up under blankets, more focused on each other than the screen. we'd sit in the dark, knees touching, his hand finding mine, until kisses replaced the dialogue on the speakers.

there were make-out sessions in the quietest corners of our world--- in his car, in his room, in my driveway long after we should've said goodnight. he'd hold me like he never wanted to let go, and i'd lose track of time, not caring about anything outside the small bubble we created.

we had late-night drives where the road stretched endlessly ahead, music low, windows cracked just enough to let in the summer air. that's when he'd open up the most--- about leaving, about his dreams, about the things he didn't tell anyone else. and i'd listen, memorizing every word like i might need to keep them for when he was gone.

some nights we stargazed, laying on the soft grass, watching the sky shift above us. i'd point out constellations, he'd pretend to know which ones i meant, and we'd talk about where we saw ourselves years from now. we never said it outright, but i think we both wondered if the other person would still be there.

there was a night, one of those quiet, electric nights, where we crossed a threshold together. we lost our virginities to each other, and although it was clumsy at first, it was real, and it was ours. he was gentle, nervous, and so was i, but there was trust between us, and that made it feel safe. after, we just lay there, tangled up, the room quiet except for our breathing.

later in his car, we traced words on each other's arms until he quietly spelled "i love you." when i asked if he meant it, he looked at me and said, "i love you." i curled up into his neck and cried, whispering, "you can't say stuff like that... you're leaving." he said he didn't want to leave me, that he wanted to be with me. in a gut-wrenching moment of realization, I told him I loved him too, and we both cried into each other's shoulders.

for the next two weeks, we held each other tighter. two days before he left, we decided against long distance---not because we didn't love each other, but because we did. we wanted the other to live fully where they were.

on his last night, we had a taco night with friends. a call from my dad pulled me outside, upset. minutes later, he found me in the dark, sat beside me, and talked until I felt lighter. we talked about everything and nothing at all. it was the most vulnerable heart-to-heart we've had up until that point. he held me, listening to my troubles, all while offering me warmth in the chilly august air. back inside, he held my hand, resting his chin on my head.

when it was time to go, he drove me home in silence, our hands clasped. the song "i will be back one day" by lord huron played on the radio, cementing that feeling of longing that has begun to form in my chest. at my door step, I said, "I guess this is it." he hugged me tighter than ever before. "I love you." he uttered to me.

"I love you too," i looked at him with teary eyes and said, "don't forget about me too quickly, okay?" he only offered me a sad smile, before saying, "I don't think I ever will."

a beat of silence followed, where we just held each other, before he broke the silence and asked me, "would you wait four years?" i pulled back and looked at him with a raised brow, "I don't know, would you?" he continued to stare at me, set on the idea, "maybe. if you don't meet anyone else in four years, let me be your plan b." i laughed at him and made him pinky promise, "i'll hold you on that."

we kissed again, before standing forehead to forehead, listening to the crickets in the near distance. he broke the silence again, slightly pulling back to look at me in the eyes, "you better not post some douchebag on your story, okay?" i laughed again and cried harder, resting my chin on his shoulder, "i won't. the same goes for you."

another beat of silence, before i uttered the words, "I love you. realizing that was the most beautiful yet heartbreaking thing i've ever experienced." he squeezed me tighter, before leaning down to kiss my forehead and said, "I love you, too. I don't think that'll ever change. I don't regret this summer."

we held each other longer, linking our foreheads together, before he quietly whispered, "okay, I have to go now. a long drive awaits me." I slightly pulled away to look up at him, realizing our time was up. "yeah... okay. you need to rest a little."

we gave each other one last squeeze before we hesitantly let each other go and the tears began streaking down my face more rampantly than ever before. i turned around and began walking to my front door, before stopping to glance back at him one last time as he reversed out of my driveway.

i reluctantly entered my house, not fully grasping that our magical summer had come to an end. the tears wouldn't stop falling and the ache in my chest only grew worse with each passing thought. i only managed to get two hours of sleep that night, trying to grasp onto those last few hours i knew he'd still be in town.

he was on the road by the time i was awake again.