I Hate Myself. How do I stop?

The caption sounds like the most basic and most common question ever but it is one that I have been trying to find the answer to for the longest time.

I’m a teenage girl who is under the age of 18, I am very young and I won’t disclose any more information other than that for personal reasons. But to cut to the chase, I am someone who has felt insecure about herself for her entire life. And by insecure, I mean it with every single breath and bone in my body. Not just insecure with my looks, but myself, me as a person.

I think I realized it when I was fairly young, from back when I was 8-years-old. It started off small, it always does to be honest. From what I remember, it would range from going to the bathroom or cafeteria and hearing the way other girls would talk about themselves or their friends. I think that’s when reality hit me:

“Ugh! I hate the way this dress makes my stomach look.”

“Did you see what ___ was wearing? It’s so ugly.”

“Oh my god, my pimples are acting up.”

“Pft, you look like a grandma with that outfit.”

“Borrow my makeup to cover that up, it looks really obvious.”

Overhearing those conversations just made me feel something. I wasn’t sure what, I just knew I didn’t like this feeling at all. At first it was just thoughts that flew by quickly. “Maybe I should start getting into makeup? All the pretty girls in my class are into it…” I would think to myself as I chewed the cafeteria food, the once sweet and tangy taste enveloping into something harsh and bitter.

And like all things, it only got worse from then on out.

Every day from school, I’d watch hundreds of videos of makeup tutorials and anything related to beauty. It was so addicting to see how many pretty people there were in this world. And afterwards I’d stare at myself in the mirror. All alone in the bathroom, with the lights turned off. I would feel each bit of my face and body that I didn’t particularly like, which was everything.

From my long flowing hair that I wanted to so badly shave and pull apart, gnawing away at it like an animal.

To my stupid face with eyes too small, ones that disappeared every-time I smiled and people would say to stop closing them.

To my nose that looked like a bulb that couldn’t even carry any sort of glasses on me and the one that relatives would constantly pinch and squeeze at, hoping its structure will change overnight.

To my lips that looked too thin that I wanted to slice off.

To my cheeks and baby fat that looked puffy 24/7 that wouldn’t go away no matter how many times I exercised or went on a diet.

To my voice that I couldn’t bear to hear in videos or recordings, a sound that drives me insane to even think about—always dreading school presentations or even going out in public and asking simple questions.

To my body that wasn’t half as pretty as other girls my age (or for that matter other people in general) and that I had vivid dreams and wishes of getting surgery once I was older or had enough money.

To my skin that isn’t smooth and always has these weird strawberry bumps. Skin that doesn’t get acne a lot but when it does it’s so evident and everyone around me points it out. Skin that isn’t as fair and has a lot of hyperpigmentation.

To my hands that don’t look girly or feminine at all.

To my ears that look like I came straight out of a nightmare, ones shaped like a goblin or elf.

To everything.

I feel hideous everyday. I feel ugly everyday. I feel like I’m not a girl. I am a girl, but I don’t feel pretty enough like every other girl. I don’t deserve the right to be a girl. I don’t deserve the right of going shopping to the mall with friends and trying on makeup or cute dresses and skirts, showing it off like we’re models. I don’t deserve the right of being able to paint my nails and spray perfume. I don’t deserve the right to shave body hair to even feel remotely feminine.

I hate myself. I hate myself everyday. I hate myself every single second of my life and it’s ruining my life. It’s ruining my friendships, my family, me. I hate myself to the point where I haven’t taken a selfie of myself in years. I hate myself to the point where when friends post a story or take a picture, I sob and beg and vomit at the thought of seeing myself in their account. At the thought of anyone seeing me. It got so bad to the point where I had gotten social media back just to tell my friend to take down a picture because someone told me they had seen me in their highlight. And I hate myself to the point where I can’t look at myself in the mirror anymore. The only times I do is when I do skincare or brush my teeth but I hate getting a glimpse of myself in any passing reflection because all I see is a monster. I feel like a disgusting creature disguised as a girl. Girls are supposed to be beautiful, so why couldn’t I have been? I also can’t even shower without feeling ashamed and sick and grossed out. I look at my body and see something that I just want to throw away. I don’t know how to describe it. I hate when people take pictures and say I’ll regret that I didn’t take more pictures when really I won’t. I won’t ever regret it because I don’t want to look back and see this being. This being that doesn’t even deserve to be a person.

The one thing I hate the most are compliments. I get compliments quite frequently. But, I know that they know I know it’s crap and just a lie. Just a stupid, big fat, lie. I hate it when someone says I look pretty or cute knowing they look one hundred times better. I’m never rude though, I always say thank you but it hurts so much. It’s like, you’re so angelic and ethereal and you’re saying those words to me? I know you know better. I know you just want to be nice. You don’t have to lie. They’re all better than me, in every single way. Maybe that’s why I’ve felt like giving up many times in my life. I can’t suffice myself. I can’t makeup for my looks. I’m not smart. Not a genius at all. I’m not talented. I’m not funny. I’m just there. I’m always lingering there.

It doesn’t help the fact that all my memories or experiences of actually feeling pretty are always washed over with something more evil and depressing. The days I did feel pretty or girly or cutesy, I remember the times I’d get teased for posting a picture of myself. To see the haunting image of my picture in someone’s group chat—someone I considered a friend—has left a wound in me that can never be fixed. I feel so insecure to the point where I don’t know anything anymore. I’m numb. I hate the features I have and the person I am. I love all my friends and family but they’re better off with someone that isn’t me. I have no value in their lives. I even feel disgusted when I think about anything linked to love or romance. I am a hopeless romantic at heart and love romcoms, but it sucks knowing no one would love this face. And if someone, magically did, they’d have grown tired of it. Of me.

I’m tired of looking ugly. I’m tired of being insecure. I hate myself daily. I hate the fact that I’m like this. Everyone around me is so beautiful. I pray to the angels above that one day—I’ll be able to see the beauty in myself. But, it doesn’t look like my wish is coming true anytime soon. And yet, I continue to keep it all inside because it’s selfish to just pour all of these feelings to others—especially because I know it’s no one’s responsibility to take care of myself but me.

I hate myself.

( P.S I’m new to this Reddit thing so I apologize in advance if I’m doing this wrong. :( This is really just a one time thing and a throwaway account. )