Villain

I don’t understand why you seem to think I’m choosing the darkness I know over something better in the light when it seems that the dark is the only place I find you. So tell me how I’m the problem for searching for answers when you provided none? In fact you actually created more confusion for me anytime I did try to talk to you about it. You watched me struggle. Looked into my mind when I allowed it and decided to keep yourself safe. Made it into entertainment. But sure, I’m the one who is stubborn and rigid and adhd and broken because I don’t want to build anything based on a foundation that can’t hold the real parts of me. I am glad to be my own self, the good and the bad. I know myself and I am well acquainted with my own darkness. I literally know I’m the fucking worst. It’s a part of me, but somehow the fact that I want clarity before moving into anything means that I’m suddenly not accepting of myself or others. That’s bullshit. And I’ve let you believe it because I assumed that at some point you, someone else, anyone else, would see how ridiculous this is. I thought that at some point my absence would mean something, show you that the version of love you feel is MEANT for you and that’s okay. Maybe it’s something you probably didn’t even know you were missing and you needed. It could be for me one day but it’s for you. The version of love I feel is for me too, and maybe also you - at least I still hopes it is. Mine doesn’t live full time in the dark though. I don’t speak in metaphors, I only think in them. I am not playing at anything. I don’t want your roles, even the ones you’re very good at. The ones you’ve felt you had to play and the ones you didn’t even realize were roles. I don’t want mine either. I want your presence. I want the freedom to grow together in however that may look. To heal together. But if I have to grow and heal alone I’ll do it, and I know I can.

I was never going to choose anyone in the dark. It was never about that. It’s harder to come up and choose in the light, and if you can’t join me that’s okay. I never wanted to change the world, I just wanted to change myself so that I can live in the world. I’m broken for both of us. I only wanted you.

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