They way things ended

I am sorry if this is worded wrong i just need to spill everything out so my apologies 🙏

So me and my ex broke up April 1st (perfect day i know) and i just need some outside advice on how to heal. And in pretty sure im over it but i keep thinking about the break up. But the way things ended now im terrified to date someone.

For some context he was my first real boyfriend, we were together for over a year and hes the first guy i did the devils tango with.

So basically what happened was he was waiting for 6 months to tell me that he didn’t know if he loved me anymore, which sucks ass because who does that. And then we had a long conversation and spoke about. But on that day i had no one with me, my parents and baby sister had left the country for a month and my auntie and uncle were also leaving the country which meant that my other sister had to house sit for them. So I had no one to talk about it, i don’t really have any friends and i was in the work the next day.

Okay, again im sorry of this makes no sense but in pouring my life and soul out.

He was a bad boyfriend towards the end of our relationship, he didn’t really want to talk to me, we stopped having sex around 2 weeks before the break up and he just became really distant. Now i am a very emotional person so id cry myself to sleep a lot. I kinda knew but I didn’t want to believe it because I loved him so much and I thought the same for me. He would just choose everything before me, even dusting his own room. So that kinda suck. But hey ho it is what it is.

So the thing that hurts me the most is everything he did during our entire. The big thing is that he lied to me about how many people he slept with and then told me on my 18th birthday weekend in weatherspoons and his ex girlfriend was sat behind us. So thats read flag number one. And also before we got together he did like a ‘test’ on me to see if i had a crush on his friend, who i only saw once didn’t even speak to but okay love. He also hated the fact i didnt do anything at all, which is like fair i only wanted to stay in bed and cuddle. But in my defence im on birth control because he wanted to cum inside me. I never told him this but I never wanted to have sex at all, i was waiting till marriage because i grew up catholic, im not catholic anymore but it was a big part of my growing up.

He also hated the fact i was loud and hit him, which again fair enough on his part but im latina… so its in my blood to be loud and i hit him when i got excited because thats we do and i know im a dickhead for doing that but its who i am. And atleast I didn’t lie about loving someone for 6 months 🫠. Also another thing we just had sex and then we just started talking and then I brought up porn and I asked him do you watch porn. He said “yes” and i felt so shitty about myself because I couldn’t please him but then he said,”oh i only watch it about latin women.” What the fuck, in what universe is that okay. Latinas are known for have hourglass, curvy, flat belly, no body hair, no imperfections and so on and so on. And then theres me, fat, got hip dips, very hair and i’m less the average looking and i know that. So that made me upset but i said,”oh i guess that makes me feel better.” Obviously not, like how thick is he.

One time we were having sex on his birthday and throughout be wanted to put it in my asshole and i refused because thats my shitter hole, right? So he was really drunk which is understandable because again it was his birthday and then we were doing it and then he tries to put it in my asshole so I stopped him doing it and then we continued having sex until he finished because I never finished. He did apologise a lot and i forgave him because he was drunk. I don’t know if he remembers it but i do because I didn’t enjoy the sex. AND ALSO he would brag “all the girls i has sex with i’ve made the finish” not anymore love, not once did i cum and i felt shit about that because i don’t watch porn it makes me feel uncomfortable. So that kinda sucked.

Also, during the last 6 months of our relationship i got the implant, so he knew that he didnt know if he wanted to be with me and still let me destroy my own body because he wanted to cum inside me. Thankful he did take care of me which im forever grateful.

I’ll always be grateful for him because be was my first i did love him so much and im sure one point he loved me. But im scared to be inlove. When we first got together i was skinny and i liked the way i looked sorta. But know im ugly i know that no one is gonna love me.

Dates. The last 7 months of dating he would take me out on dates but never to were i wanted to go. I was begging him to take me to wagamamas because he has a car and i love wagas food. He finally did then we broke up. I also really wanted to go to costco because, and this is gonna sound so weird, i see costco as like a fair ground. Especially when i was younger, i loved going to Costco and I still do. He never wanted to take me. He said that, “i’ll take you once a month” no he didn’t which sucks but he was willing to go wales with his friends when costco is a 9 minute drive from my house.

So essentially i just need some outside help because when i do think about i cry. I cried so much the 2 weeks we broke up, why was it fair that he had so much support and i had no one. There is a lot that i’ve missed and I’ve missed a lot of stuff and I can’t be bothered typing anymore. We were both bad for each other and i know i was not the best girlfriend but i’ve never been on birth control and it changes you so much. I haven’t had a period in over 2 years which is incredible but I don’t know if I can have kids in the future or when i get off birth and control how my body is going to react. I just want help to stop thinking about.

Thank you for reading this and again i am sorry if the words are confusing im really tired and waiting for borderlands to load.