A response to the post from earlier today, from a trans girl with very low self esteem most of the time

I am placing a TW on this for mentions of CSA, suicide, and abuse.

I understand the frustration of the poster. I too have tried to help people, not even specifically trans people, only for it to seem like “they don’t want it”. I can’t speak for anyone else so I will speak for myself, but I will say before doing that, I’m absolutely positive that at least some of the trans people who do that, have been through similar things as me. Maybe the poster has too, I don’t know, but we all face and handle trauma differently.

I was 11 the first time I tried to kms, because my stepdad started raping me when I was 8 because if I “wanted to act like a girl then he’d treat me like one”. I was beaten and physically abused almost daily. That stopped when I moved out at 17, I can’t tell you when the SA stopped. I had interventions and exorcisms staged on me in my childhood church because of my “sensitivity and femininity” both of which apparently are “very inappropriate for a strong male warrior of God”.

I couldn’t address my dysphoria because I didn’t realize I had it. I was depressed a lot, I was in survival mode all the time. However I do have memories of feeling “like this” as early as when I was 6. Perhaps earlier even but 6 I can say for sure.

All my childhood taught me was to be a doormat, don’t ever fight back or stand up for yourself, you deserve any cruelty you get and you’re not worth anything. So believing in myself is not something I have experience in. Also, this all happened in Texas, where I lived almost my entire 35 years until this past April when I finally picked up and left for Colorado.

I gave up on trying to change my name and gender in Texas. I gave up honestly on ever even being viewed as a person in Texas. I never passed, I know I didn’t. But now, here, apparently the difference between 2 years 4 months on HRT and 2 years 8 months HRT is astronomical, because I don’t ever get misgendered anymore. Everyone tells me I pass, most of the people at work don’t even know I’m trans, and I am growing into my confidence here in Denver. Already I have a Colorado license with an F on it and just today I submitted my fingerprints and background checks for my legal name change when they come back.

Despite all of that, you’re talking about a few months of peace and stability, up against 34.8 years of suffering and despair before that. I still have trouble believing people when they tell me I pass. Even I will look in the mirror at home and be like “damn girl!” But then I’ll look closer and start going “but that and that and this over here and that over there” it’s hard.

It’s not “for attention”, and I can’t speak for the girl the poster was posting about but I’m never mean to people who tell me I pass, I just don’t always believe them. I don’t even tell them that usually but sometimes I do. But it’s not anything of “biting the hand that feeds”.

My self esteem and confidence are very low and I live in an apartment with just me and my puppy and lizard. Basically unless I’m actively surrounded by people who are actively affirming me I don’t usually have much confidence to speak of. My very dark days are behind me I think, but I still feel ugly when I look in the mirror more often than I feel hot, or even passing, because I know you don’t have to be pretty to pass.

People get annoyed with me, tell me I have pretty privilege, and I’m either trolling them or just wanting attention, but I can’t help what my brain is telling me. It’s not about any of those things. I just genuinely don’t see what everyone else apparently is telling me that they do.

So please have mercy on girls like me. If I’m asking if I’m passing it’s because I genuinely don’t believe that I am, or I wouldn’t need to ask. I posted a pic of me somewhere, my drivers license photo the other day and asked if I passed. I didn’t and still don’t feel I do in that photo. It’s not just ugly I just straight up look like a man I think with long hair, because they made me put it behind my shoulders. And yet people were telling me not only that I passed but they wish their DL looked half as good as mine, and it’s the best DL they’ve ever seen, of course I didn’t believe them. Don’t get me wrong I’m beyond thrilled to have a CO DL, and for it to have the right gender on it but, I just don’t believe them about the photo. (I have since deleted that post so don’t waste your time trying to find it).

I try to believe you. I WANT to believe you, more than anything. And sometimes I do. But when I don’t, it’s not a slight against you, it’s not me trolling you or “fishing for attention”. I think out of all people another trans person for damn sure should understand the generational trauma and self esteem issues we uniquely face.

To the people who are about to go to my page and look at photos I’ve posted and then come back here and build me up, thank you for your kindness. I feel I do pass in some of those but others I don’t.

I’m a work in progress. Believe it or not before I got here my confidence used to be far lower than it is now. It’s going up, but it won’t hit the bell over night. It’s a process and takes time. So please just be patient with me and girls like me.