Anxious

Attachment theory.

Me. I've always been an anxious type. Stemming from the complete loss of my father at a young age, and after the emotional absence of my mother.

I could never bare to be away from the one I loved. That's how its always been. Connection is the most valuable thing in imagination.

Our Connection with family, our parents, our friends, our loves, our spirituality/God.

As an anxious type I neglected something for the longest time. And just yesterday, something in me snapped.

Like a switch being flicked. I couldn't tell you what that switch was as it's to soon to tell what exactly it is. But I feel it. Or maybe I do know...

And I lost all my anxiety. I don't feel it anymore. I wonder how long this will last.

And now I beg the question, why was I anxious to begin with. The loss of someone I loved, of course.

But although the Connection isn't active. Do I doubt my father didn't love me?

No. I don't doubt that. At least now I understand. But when you are a child you see the world in a simpler fashion.

My father and mother had problems. Simple as that. It had nothing to do with me. But for the longest time I decided that if a relationship isn't active, that is deciding love.

No you fool. Love remains. But sometimes one needs space. But don't doubt that love that you know is there.

I want her.

More then anything. I want every piece of her. Distance keeps us apart. And if we were together, I know she would give me anything she felt I needed. And I know that she loves me. And was deciding and judging wanting with Constant affirmation.

As an anxious, I needed bread crumbs of love and words. Words of affection, words of affirmation. Actively and constantly to remain balanced. To keep back this anxiety that never goes away.

I think yesterday I asked myself a simple question. And after the answer. I just stopped being anxious.

Does she love me?

You bloody retarded deaf fool of a man.

She has only told you like two thousand two hundred and thirty seven times.

She has constantly showed you that she loves you. All her actions yell it.

Why was I always so anxious? Why did it never go away?

Now I sigh at the relief of my vanished anxiety. And now I sit here and write as I always do. About me and who I am. And how I evolve.

One week is easy enough. Hard as in that I want you always. Easy because I know you love me. And I know that I have you. So I don't think I'll worry this time.

May all anxiety pass and never come again.

Amen.