My story

I’ve been reading alot of the posts here and it’s helped me understand my own feelings and situation a lot better. I thought I’d get my own story out as I’ve found it too difficult to share with friends or family due to fear of being judged or lack of understanding. My wife’s illness means that sex is painful and it also brought on early perimenopause and now menopause. Intimacy and affection is non-existent and find myself alone most nights as the teenagers spend the whole time in their rooms on their devices and she goes to bed early. We have been in separate bedrooms for the last decade of marriage.

There was resentment for a long time before her diagnosis, she never initiated because sex was painful( I believe her illness was not diagnosed for a number of years). Sex was always missionary and she put her vaginal pain down to me being too hard or vigorous.

I stopped asking for sex as I could never enjoy it as I was told to hurry up and cum, don’t go fast or hard and all I could think about during sex was “ she isn’t enjoying this and I’m hurting her”.

All my love and attention went into the kids but they are now teenagers and have no time for their father.

I am an affectionate person and love to sleep with my partners in the past, the lack of affection and intimacy took a real toll. No intimacy in the marriage at all for last 5 years and very limited for a number of years before that. But I focussed on the kids and hoped that I could provide, be a good father and give them every chance to succeed.

Interest rate increases and inflation meant that our once comfortable financial position became strained as my wife’s illness meant she was no longer able to work. I questioned my existence, I was failing as a provider and a very lonely existence even though the house was full.

Resentment towards my wife increased as we argued constantly about finances and I honestly felt like the housemate who paid the bills and did the chores and was the punching bag as her illness means she is in constant pain, quick to anger and I was an easy target for her frustration.

I put on a face at work, with family and friends. Everything was ok whenever they asked. My low point came when at lunch for my birthday a family friend told me how well I was doing for myself, great job, nice house and wonderful family. I broke down in a crowded restaurant and could not stop.

Finances were ok from that point forward as family now knew the extent of my issues and assist when required. But i was defeated, laying on the couch at night wishing my life away.

I thought about leaving, My wife said that she didn’t blame me if I left after her diagnosis, but then days after that would say that the kids would resent me if I did. So leave and risk having nothing at all? I haven’t dated in over 20 years and what did I have to offer a new partner and where the hell would I start? All seemed too risky and daunting, the kids come around eventually right? That’s what people say?

After rewatching tv shows and movies on Netflix for about the 999999th time. I came across an advert for an online game. I thought it was a simple phone game that I would play myself. But it was an interactive game where you play and chat with people across the world. It became a bit of an escape and something different from memorising every line from movies and tv shows.

I ended up speaking to a woman from America, chatting on game lead to some conversations on the phone. Less than a month of talking and she had booked a flight half way across the world to see me. Visions of the movie fatal attraction came to mind. I spent an amazing week with her and she is now in the process of selling everything to move here. She knows my whole situation and is happy to wait for me while I sort through everything. I feel desired, wanted and loved. At the same time I am not sure how to exit my current situation without causing financial stress to my wife or creating issues for my kids.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far, hopefully it helps getting my thoughts and feelings out on a page.