Selfish, self pitying, joyless: why are they all like this?

I had the chance to make a clean break 4 months ago and I didn’t take it. We moved across the country together.

I hoped maybe the change would be good. Before we left she said she was going to attend in person secular sobriety meetings and work on her physical health and start therapy again. We also agreed there would be no alcohol in our home. She actually made it 30 days without drinking at all. Things were peaceful. We didn’t fight. We got moved in and settled and I started a new job that I love.

You all know what comes next. She wanted to have a beer at lunch one day. And then I came home from work and realized she was drunk. And it hasn’t stopped. She finally started seeing a therapist but just barely. She does online meetings sometimes but still drinks. She was going to go to a psychiatrist to get something to manage what seems to be crippling anxiety but then canceled and said she wants to try to deal with it in therapy first.

Her thing is that when she’s sober, everything is fine. She never says she has any complaints or issues or problems that she wants to address with me. And then she drinks to deal with anxiety. Then she ruminates. Then she comes for me. I get bombarded with texts or emails about everything I do wrong or have ever done wrong. And I know memory is faulty, but she straight up invents things. But if I point that out, I am the gaslighter.

Then I will finally reach a breaking point and say I’m done, as I did today. Then I start to crumble. I don’t know why. I’m weak. I’m codependent. I am afraid to be alone probably. And then she absolutely unleashes on me.

So as of this moment, we are splitting. She will if course change her mind and then if I say I really want to be done, she will do some crazy dramatic stuff like threaten to k!ll herself.

So I’ve been at work all day and when I can I’ve just been reading posts in here because it helps me remember that this is a playbook. That just because she refuses to accept the role her drinking plays in our relationship does not mean I am the problem.

Thank you for reading if you made it this far. I kinda just want to express gratitude for everyone’s willingness to share their stuff here because it is such a huge source of shame for me and I know for many of you too but I feel less crazy when I come here.