I don't understand what I'm experiencing

I've always had the tendency to push people away whenever that person started liking me. Even if I liked them back. And I found it almost disgusting that they had feelings for me. When I was younger, I always felt that way. When someone confessed to me, my gut got all twisted up and I couldn't breathe until I turned them down. It was like that way for many many years up until last year.

Last year, I started dating for the very first time. We met online and I've never gotten those claustrophobic feelings with this person. The initial stages were interesting because it was like I was suddenly comfortable with someone loving me more than as a friend. I even reciprocated those feelings and I felt them so deeply. Since we were long distance, I had all of these thoughts in my head that intimacy would feel so good when we will meet up. I grew up reading romance and I had these descriptions of those sensations you feel when you're physically intimate with them. You feel fireworks when you kiss. When you see them, you'll feel butterflies. Etc etc.

When we met up recently this year, it was very comfortable for me to be around him despite us being practically strangers. I didn't find him disgusting or something, but kissing was just not working for me. Maybe it's due to our inexperience. Or maybe I wanted something different than what he was doing. But it just felt like someone's mouth was on mine. It was nothing like the fireworks people talk about. I felt really guilty that I was feeling that way towards him, especially because I really love him a lot.

When we went all the way, it was the same for me as well. It's not really unpleasant or something, but it didn't feel like it was something magical and out of a movie. It just feels like the description of what the movements are. Nothing else. I didn't hate it, but I didn't feel as much as I thought I would.

This is my very first relationship. So, it might contribute to the fact that I'm not very experienced in this side of things. And maybe things will change and feel better over time like my tendency to turn people down changed. But I really hate having these thoughts and feelings because it feels wrong to admit especially to my boyfriend. (Also, it's not like I felt nothing and didn't feel good. Some things felt good, but not everything felt like picture perfect description of what most people talk about experiencing)