Don’t know if this is cheating, but it’s close and it sucks.

Hi all. My husband doesn’t know that I know what he’s doing and I’ve got to get this out. I feel like I’m losing my mind.

Im 6 months postpartum with our first baby. Of course, our sex life has been on the rocks lately, going back to before the baby was born when I was huge and pregnant. But I try to take care of him when I can and I’ve expressed to him countless times how sorry I am that I’m neglecting that aspect of our marriage. I want to, I do, but I have a co sleeping, strictly breastfed Velcro baby and there’s hardly a moment when he’s not glued to me.

I also work throughout the week and start my days at 3am. I clean the entire house with next to no help. I cook the meals, get the groceries, do the laundry, all the things. I’m tired. I don’t look sexy. I don’t feel sexy. I have postpartum depression and my hair is falling out, I don’t get to dress cute or do my makeup, but my husband has never made me feel bad about that. He always tells me how beautiful I am and that he loves my body. He grabs me constantly, I thought everything was fine.

The past couple weeks, my husband has been more short with me than usual. He says hurtful things and has been sleeping on the couch a lot instead of coming to bed. He says he doesn’t want to wake the baby, but I’ve been cheated on before and a familiar set of alarm bells began ringing that I couldn’t shake.

I went through his phone a few days ago, he has access to my phone and looks through it all he likes, so I don’t feel bad about that. I just found a lot of porn in his Twitter likes and bookmarks.

Okay, cool. He watches porn. I didn’t know he watched that stuff and it stung because the girls were beautiful and fresh looking but I didn’t say anything, just kept it moving. Every man watches porn. But he left his phone in the living room again this morning as he slept (I woke him from the couch so he could go get some good rest in our bed) so I went digging deeper and found his Reddit account. He’s posting nudes of himself, it was in some Snapchat sexting sub, I don’t remember the exact name. My husband doesn’t have a Snapchat. Or does he? Is he just deleting it when I’m around?

I went through his twitter, Discord and WhatsApp DMs and they seemed oddly…sterile. Like he’s wiping them to cover his tracks. Or am I just being paranoid?

His Reddit account is literally one day old, so did he have another Reddit account that he deleted recently? He must have. I wonder what was on it.

I can’t believe I’m asking myself these questions. My wonderful, sweet, handsome, honest, kind husband. The one that stands up for people when they can’t defend themselves. Who says that onlyfans and porn are degenerate and disgusting. He’s posting porn of himself on the internet. I don’t know if I consider it outright cheating or not but it’s damn sure close.

He travels every day for work, he goes to homes and businesses alike so if he’s going to someone’s house for sex, I’ll never know by tracking his location. He has Face ID turned on so I can’t get into his recently deleted photos or his hidden photo album.

I’m trying to lay low and bide my time. I’m gonna keep digging and seeing what else I can find as time goes on. Unfortunately I’ve been through this before so I know from experience how to act oblivious. I just can’t believe this is my life, My heart hurts when I look at my son’s beautiful face. I thought I picked the perfect dad for my baby. Instead I’ve come full circle and have become my own mother.

I don’t even know what I’ll say if I find out he’s talking to other girls. I try not to think about it and I hope to God that isn’t happening.

My fellow internet moms, I could really use some advice, some commiseration, something.