i hate being forced to go to church with my mom

ever since i was born into this world, my mom has always taught me the christian way of life, which is totally fine. when i was 6, i would go to church with her, and i wouldn’t actually pay any attention to what the pastor was saying nor would i sit there doing nothing, i’d be in the back, running around, talking to the other kids, you know. but now, i’m 14, and my mom still forces me to go to church with her. tomorrow is sunday, and i completely forgot about church, until she came up to me like 4 minutes ago and said “you’re going to church with me tomorrow” now my night is ruined.

i haven’t gone there in about a month, because these last 3 months have been like hell to me. i won’t say specifically why, but just constant stress, worries, anxiety, overthinking and things like that. i can’t go a day without worrying or crying. so i’m going through a very tough and annoying situation right now, all i want to do is stay at home and try to not think about anything.

when i go to church, i get this really negative and bad feeling in my stomach. i’m bi, so for some reason i get so scared of the pastor just saying something about homosexuality or like, something that ends up targeting me in some way. oh, and you can’t forget about the fact that i have to sit there for 2 hours, and when i get back home i stay with this really weird sensation of sadness and hopelessness, idk why. i couldn’t even enjoy this saturday, nor the last ones because today i had an exam to do so i can get into another school and what not.

i hate the fact that i have to wake up at 9 am on a sunday to go to church and listen to the music, pastor talking nothing with nothing, being in public and getting scolded by my mom for wearing a black goth shirt to church. she doesn’t believe goths aren’t satanists.

i’ve cried a few times and begged for her to let me stay at home, but all she does is guilt trap me and say “okay, but remember, that God will punish you and you will have to face the consequences of your actions” EXCUSE ME WHAT DID I EVEN DO? then i get guilty and shameful and force myself to go with her. i’ve even cried in church before.

she swears that she’s not forcing things upon me, when she clearly is and just won’t accept it. she now thinks i’m not christian anymore and everytime she talks about going to church, i get this weird feeling in my chest and just scoff, then she gets mad at me for doing so.

oh, i’m still a christian, trust me. i believe in God and Jesus and pray before sleep and all that, but the thing is, i despise going to church because i’m being forced to do so. maybe if she didn’t force me, i’d go sometimes because of my own choice and free will. maybe, but probably not, because like i said, i feel kind of a negative energy, idk… but who am i to know about spiritual things and that? anyways…