exactly a year ago

a year ago today i was 5 days into my senior year of college. my chronic illness was kicking my ass and i had made the difficult decision to move back home. little did i know that as soon as my parents got to school to help me move back out i would end up having 3 grand mal seizures within 45 min.

i was rushed to the ER and spent the next 4 days in the ICU. i have absolutely no memory of what happened but my body was shutting down. my sodium levels had rapidly dropped and my organs were starting to fail.

i am now standing here a year later with mixed feelings. i’m grateful im alive, i get to do a job i absolutely love and can’t imagine doing anything different. but im also sicker than i have ever been. we’ve learned i have a autoimmune disorder as well and are trying to figure out what it is.

but my daily life is spend in agony, exhaustion, heart pounding, dizziness, shortness of breath, searing pain and so much more i could list. medication after medication being thrown at me. i might be grateful to be alive but i absolutely hate this life and do not want to live it anymore. the grief of who i used to be has been destroying me lately.

i just want to be me again.