Being a V*rgin that has never even gone on a date makes me want to die sometimes

I'm not gonna bore you all with my life story. I know I'm probably the problem. I know I'm probably a bad dude. I know I should get better and work on myself and love myself

But that dosen't change how bad this feels. It doesn't change how much it hurts seeing couples in public, no matter how hard I try to be happy for them and glad for them. It doesn't change my parents asking constantly "when are you going to bring home someone?" It doesn't' change how I feel all my efforts to improve felt like they were for nothing Ya know?

I don't want to feel like I'm superior. I don't think I have a right to anyone or anything. I don't think women are in the wrong for not choosing me. I don't feel entitled to them. I just want someone to hold me and kiss me. I want to be a dumb 20 year old, making stupid mistakes and going through breakups and dealing with relationship issues and learning. I want to drop a label that leads me to be humiliated every time it is brought up in conversation. I want to participate in relationship and casual culture no matter how toxic it is. I want to feel intertwined with someone and kiss them and feel a warmth I've never known but long for so bad.

I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want anyone to feel any obligation or worry about me. I just want to be normal like everyone else and experience the baggage and pain that everyone else experiences, along with the best and worse times that people say it is.

Nothing I've tried has worked. Therapy doesn't work. Medication doesn't work. Friends don't work. Hobbies don't work. I sent myself to a mental hospital for a few weeks and all they did was make fun of my issues and drug me. Nothing ever works. Nothing makes me forget. Nothing brings me closer. Some people tell me to pay for it, but I don't want the only way I can get some semblance of intimacy to be to pay for it. That would be humiliating and degrading. And besides, I can't afford it. I can't take out a loan for it because I have no credit score. Nothing ever gets better Sometimes all I can think about its death. I beg and plead and hope that someday someone would end me. Or I can muster up the courage to end myself.

Nothing ever gets better. Nothing ever changes. I try so hard. years in therapy and losing 100 pounds. But my doctor says its going to be borderline impossible for me to lose any more weight.

I'm just so tired. I just want a chance I guess. to live. To be myself.