I’m not even sure if my life is going the way I thought it would

(i'd like to stay anonymous)

Lately it just feels like I’m stuck, like I’m in a place I can’t get out of. Nothing really feels like it belongs to me. I don’t have privacy, I don’t have control, and I barely talk to anyone. Part of me is okay with that, but honestly… even being left alone doesn’t feel peaceful anymore.

I tried to make something of a life online and for a while it actually helped. It gave me something to do, some kind of connection. But now even the internet feels empty; It's endless noise, scrolling forever, nothing really sticks, nothing makes me feel better. The stuff that used to distract me just doesn’t work anymore.

I thought skating might be the thing i could hold onto - something that was just mine. A way to get out of the house and do something for myself. But there’s nowhere close I can really practice. My parents said they’d put me in lessons, but then added “other kids might be there”; and honestly that’s when it all shut down for me. I don’t want it to turn into another place where I feel judged or watched. I still skate when I can, and I don’t want anyone to take that from me either. The only person I actually talk to now and then is basically my only friend; skating was supposed to be my escape, not another thing that makes me feel trapped.

What makes it harder is I can’t even get a little quiet. My little brother is always around loud, chaotic, always in my space. I get headaches that feel like they’re splitting my head open; but no one takes me seriously when I say that. Most of the time I feel like I’m drowning in noise, in pressure, in things I never asked for.

I’m not expecting a fix or anything. I just want to know if anyone else has ever felt this way like nothing fits, like you don’t really have a space that’s yours. And if you have… what helped? What made it even a little easier to keep going?