i'm 14 and out of options

hi i'm back if any of you seen my other posts. if not, hello i'm rebekah im 14f and i suffer from stage 3 liver failure, fibromyalgia, fnd, crps, trigeminal neuralgia, aswell as depression and cptsd which idk if i mentioned them in my other posts on here sorry if i didn't, but im mentioning them now because theyre getting worse lately every night like if i do sleep which i hardly fucking get to because of my pain, but when i do i have nightmares about the past and im so scared all the time and so sad and SO FUCKING SORE

i'm in so much pain right now, physically i mean it just keeps getting worse i dont understand why i mean im taking my medications i do my physiotherapy i attend therapy i pray three times a day, but i just keep getting worse and worse and i dont know i just cant do this anymore last night i sat with a knife and just stared at it for like an hour if i wasnt such a pussy i wouldve done it i swear im just so tired of living in agony every day im too young for this everybody always tells me that and i know that. i don't understand why i have to be in so much pain what did i do to deserve this??? im so tired whats the point in living if its just pain

im so alone in this life like i have 1 friend now, i can hardly see her because of my conditions, i love her so so much though she always comes to visit me in hospital and she sometimes even sleeps over with me in hospital if they let her i swear shes the only thing keeping me here, but at the same time i feel so horrible like so bad for her because i know she worries about me and the last thing i ever want to do is make her sad. i love her so so much and idk i just think if i were gone yes shed be upset but in the longrun she wouldn't have to worry anymore, and i wouldnt be in pain anymore either so it's a win for us both i think

idk im sorry this post is like so long im just so tired and i need help idk how much longer i can keep doing this my life is hell and i don't see a reason anymore