Husband lied about trans porn

Not entirely sure how to start this. Throwaway bc I don’t plan on coming here often.

Husband (37), was caught with porn in his history. Suicidegirls really, I (40) had a BPD episode and meltdown and told him I felt like that was cheating and made me feel bad when I already have had body dysmorphia for decades now. He promised not to watch/look anymore and that I was right. We agreed neither of us would masturbate as porn would likely be used.

Some time later I’m in his phone setting trying to fix an issue, and in the screen time/content restrictions, there are several “allowed” websites. The wildest thing to me was that a few were trans sites, some milf stuff as well. We had another conversation and he swore it wasn’t something he was into, when he “was” watching porn/looking at nudes, it was alt and curvy girls. He swore someone must have hacked him or it was popups or something. I believed him. He never seemed to be into trans or men so it was something I thought was possible?

But then I felt weird and suspicious, and I discovered that you have to use safari on a smartphone in order to have those allowed links, but safari isn’t even on the phone anymore. I took it as maybe something happened and left it alone.

…then it happened again. We had long agreed that each other’s phone was free to dig through. We have one another’s login to pretty much everything. Safari still wasn’t on the phone. Once again it’s milfs and trans. Several saved versions. My guess is that it could be popups… but google has told me you physically have to add those sites into the allowed websites part of content restrictions. We had put “restrict adult content” and blocked a few sites already.

I think he has been using safari and deleting it afterwards so it doesn’t leave a trace. We had a discussion about the porn again and he swore he wasn’t watching it, but he had masturbated at times bc of “stress” or whatever. We had long agreed that I am always ready and always willing! I have never turned him down to my knowledge. His excuse before we had the argument (I yelled, he stood there), was that I wasn’t always around and that he needed stimulation bc that made it easier, but had agreed that it was an understandable thing and he would stop.

Today I was looking for an email bc we were signing up for a new service and he was busy. As I scrolled to find the email, I discovered emails where he was supposed to “verify” his account. On dating sites. The emails were from a year after we got married. I got mad and scrolled more. I found at least three dating websites, all joined after we got married. Then a sign up from a few years before we got married. It was a trans dating site. After all this time, he lied to my face about being into that. I finally have physical proof that it was him that had the interest and it wasn’t being hacked.

I’ve written a very long passive aggressive email that’s waiting to be sent. I have images of all the proof of screenshots of the emails with dates, screenshots of the history that was added to the allowed websites on the phone. I’m so mad and hurt that I don’t even know what to do. I’m very open about us discussing anything and everything. I know I can be a bit controlling, but my meds have me very stable and I’ve been doing really well in therapy.

I just don’t know what to do. He’s the best thing to happen to me. We have a nice little life, it’s just this issue we’re having that’s just not acceptable. He swears he wants communication, but he’s clearly hiding something from me. Maybe he’s embarrassed? In denial? But that’s literally 8 years that he must have been into the trans porn.

What can I do? Porn is a no go. Period. I don’t know how to even really discuss this without getting too emotional. Help!