What if I controlled our money the way you have control of our physical and sexual intimacy?

Think about it. What if anytime you wanted money to buy something you had to ask me for it. And 9/10 times I rejected your ask. Or perhaps I say, “maybe. we’ll see.” And then I just ignore it. Or what if I say “when I feel like it, I will.” But I never seem to feel like it.

And what if you’ve talked to me many times about how you’d like more access to the money and I turn it around on you and make you feel like it’s all your fault and something is wrong with you for wanting it? But randomly, maybe 2-3 times per year out of nowhere I gave you some money and it made you feel amazing and seen and you hoped it happened more frequently and you patiently wait for weeks or months and the money never comes.

What if you had such terrible anxiety and fear of being rejected every time you asked for money that you completely stopped asking, just hoping that I’d be gracious enough or think about your needs or feelings enough to just offer some money to you? But I don’t.

What if every room in the house had a screen showing all the money we had in our bank account so you couldn’t ignore it? You had no choice but to look at it multiple times every day, knowing that you weren’t allowed to touch it.

What if every time you were watching TV and see a couple freely sharing money, happily, and without control it makes you turn your face away from the TV because you’re jealous of how well they interact and communicate about money?

What if you had to take Monopoly money into the bathroom to play with it so you could clear your mind so you can fall asleep and not be angry all the time because you don’t have access to the money? What if you had to do this pretty much every day?

Do you get the analogies? I do…