In a downward spiral again

I'm no stranger to feeling this way. I feel like every time I fall back into depression after working so hard to pull myself out of it, it chips away a little piece of me each time. It gets harder to pull myself out of it, not easier. I've been going downhill again for a while. I've been trying to get through it, to remind myself that it won't last, but I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water.

Every month I get suicidal thoughts from PMDD, even when I'm doing really well outside of that time. But now my PMDD is particularly bad this month too. It's 1am and I'm lying awake with thoughts of how tired I am of everything and how I just want to give up. I didn't even think I would survive this far in life and sometimes it feels like maybe it would have been better if I didn't.

I've isolated myself for over 2 weeks, with unread messages from friends, and now it feels like too much time has passed to reach back out. I feel lonely but I don't know what to say. I feel guilty for being a bad friend and not replying sooner.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I guess I just wanted to feel a little less alone.