Idk what to do

Uhm so Ive been trying to reflect on what happened to me, and see that it wasn’t my fault but it’s really hard. Whenever I see people speak about SA I feel like I don’t have a right to relate because what I went through was intangible. It’ll never be the same so surely my pain isn’t really pain?

Sometimes I wish I was hurt so I wouldn’t have to question if it was real or not. Not to glorify it but to maybe forgive myself, maybe if it was physical then I wouldn’t constantly doubt myself. I’m not saying this to make anyone who has been through SA feel minimised or that their pain is my fantasy but it feels as though because it’s not tangible, nobody would ever care.

I finally opened up to my sister a few months ago about what happened to me, she unfortunately was hurt by someone she trusted and I feel like it influenced her response to me. She kind of brushed off everything I went through because it wasn’t physically damaging plus she said it’s ‘normal’. She even said she doesn’t have to try invalidating me cause I alr did it myself. And I know she probably didn’t mean it in a horrible way but no matter who I tell- or try to, they won’t take it seriously because It wasnt physical.

Ive realised that I purposely try to put myself in harms way so that I can finally be seen for what those men did but it’s only making things much worse and I truly don’t know what to do. I’m still 17 so if I reach out to anyone they’d tell my parents and they’d be ashamed of me.I’m so stuck and so close to relapsing :/

(I’m sorry if this came off as insensitive or weird- it’s never my intention to cause any upset to anyone)