My grandmother might be a narcissist, but it also could be how she was raised.

I grew up primarily with my family who came from Jamaica. Me and my mother have lived in my grandmothers house for as long as I could remember. However, ever since I’ve been more open about my feelings and my mental health, we’ve always butted heads.

When I was young, I’ve kept a lot of my mental health issues to myself. I was the golden child, but it was hard to keep up that appearance when I started to struggle around middle school. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. And later on, I was diagnosed with ADHD-Inattentive. (Me and my mom are seeking to get me tested for Autism as well.)

Understanding this, will help you understand the crux of most of our arguments. I have a really hard time understanding social cues, which is something I understand I have to work on. However that also means that every little thing I do that is wrong socially, is seen as me being disrespectful to my grandmother. Talk to her while she’s on the phone, disrespectful. Ask where something is, disrespectful. Ask her to tone her voice down or look mildly uncomfortable with how loud she is, disrespectful.

The noise thing is a big issue as well, she doesn’t talk, she yells. And it always made me uncomfortable since I’m sensitive to loud noises.

One of the main moments that soured my relationship with her is when we were arguing, and she brought up a time when I was like 13, and I was first diagnosed with depression. I was speaking to a psychiatrist, and they asked why I felt like I couldn’t talk about my issues. I named my family and grandmother, as I was worried they wouldn’t understand. She told me “do you know how much it hurt me for you to say that?” As if it hurt her that her actions caused me to bottle my emotions up. It wasn’t even a, “It hurt me because I’d love you no matter what.” It was a, “It hurt me because how dare you insinuate I’m the problem” type of comment.

The funny thing about that too, is that she DOESN’T understand my mental health, and doesn’t want to. If anything, I have to accommodate for her. My therapist and my mom always use the excuse of “oh she was just raised that way. You can’t change her.” But what can I do, when the alternative is being blatantly disrespected. My grandmother even told me that she thinks I’m using my mental state as a way to vex her.

And she’s fully cognizant of her actions and what she’s doing, she’s very young for a grandmother, only recently turned 60. But I always feel like I’m walking on eggshells when I talk to her. One wrong move and it sets her off.

I don’t know if this is just the culture she grew up in (as many have excused it as such), or if she’s a narcissist, or if I’m at fault. But I could really use some input.