Day 5/My Story

I have a fat/feeding fetish.

Discovered it at the same time as my sexuality.

I don’t think you can change a fetish, and I don’t know that I wish I could either.

This feels like a recent breakthrough, porn is the issue, not my fetish. Hating myself for my fetish and trying to change it was a wrong tree I think I wasted a lot of time barking up.

I have been closeted regarding this fetish my whole life, including to my wife of 10 years.

I am 33 years old.

Porn came later in life. But has had a steady presence in my life since I got regular access to the internet. Occasionally I would take things farther and actually post things or chat to strangers regarding this fetish - role play or briefly act out elements of the fetish in real life (“crossing the line”  which will come back later). Then I met my wife. I did a long streak without porn or masturbation early on. That eventually fizzled when we started having sex less frequently, once the honeymoon phase was over.

Porn waxed and waned throughout the first several years. Never really felt too out of control.

During that time I also had a drinking problem.

After I quit drinking things seemed to escalate to binges/goon-ing. I believe it’s cross-addiction. Really porn is the longer and stronger addiction though.

Things have escalated to outbound content, chatting with strangers and exchanging photos for 24-48 hours and then frantically deleting every trace I left behind as best I could.

I rationalize those behaviors at not cheating somehow but deep down I think I really feel they are.

I am here to begin to tell my story because I am reluctantly realizing that is going to be necessary. Hoping starting here anonymously online will give me the strength to open up about this with a therapist at least, and maybe my wife? Idk, the shame of the details regarding all of this is crushing to think about sharing with her. I am afraid she will never think of me the same again.

Anyways along with brief, intense porn binges has come lots of streaks porn-free. Including a recent 37 day streak. During that streak I started to have issues staying hard during real sex. There are several factors going on there, I also was cutting weight and dieting pretty severely which I have read can also cause issues in that regard. Anyways, broke the streak and seemed to solve the issues for the most part. Slightly less reliable “ready for sex at all times” baseline than I am used to, but totally manageable. I think this is definitely a mental block, and just not being able to live with myself acting out sexually anymore (“crossing the line” as I categorize it in my head).

I’ll start a porn free streak, then rationalize I can use porn but not “cross the line”, then things eventually devolve into breaking whatever boundary I had set. And then after a day or two of that it’s right back to starting another porn free streak. Masturbating or not is also a variable in all these streaks and I have concluded being strictly off masturbation doesn’t make sense to me. Even animals do it, it’s not inherently bad. 

I am currently on a 5 day streak porn free. Feeling resolute. I see now there are things I have to do as non-negotiable in order to keep a streak going. Eat right, sleep right, wake up early, get my exercise. I am currently feeling really good and optimistic and had great sex with my wife today. I have masturbated on this streak but am successfully not letting that feel like a failure so far, or being too triggered by it.

Anyways I know this is all probably pretty scattered but I just want to put something out there and maybe create some sort of accountability outside of myself as well.