Miserably insecure at work

I’m a mom to an almost-one-year-old. My OB wasn’t comfortable with me taking adderall through pregnancy, and I’ve been breastfeeding for the past year, so I’ve been unmedicated for twenty months now. I spent the first ten months of my baby’s life at home with him, poor af on my husband’s library salary but very happy. In July, I started working as a sewing instructor for refugee women through a local nonprofit. There are so many things I love about the work, but I‘ve been sooooo anxious and often depressed because of my perceived failures due to executive dysfunction.

I’m a seamstress and painter, definitely the creative, intuitive, & relational type. I have an assistant in this new job who was previously a corporate accountant, super organized, type A, mom of four. She & I could not be more different, and I’m pretty positive she doesn’t respect me. Quite a bit of my anxiety & depression has surfaced after she & I have a disagreement about how something should be done. Most often I’m not performing to her standards, and I think it’s due to a combination of my intuitive, go-with-the-flow sort of creativity (which is different than her by-the-book way of approaching things), and genuinely being bad with details and technicalities bc of my disability. Her disagreement is always “professional,” but kinda condescending. I DREAD those moments of tension.

My students AND my supervisors are both really happy with the class & my work so far, but my relationship with my assistant truly sucks ass. I haven’t been unkind, and have tried to be friendly and professional. I feel like all of my lifelong AuDHD insecurities are at the forefront of my life every day though— being bad with numbers, details, time management, forgetting things, etc. All of that in front of someone for whom those things come easily AND are valued as competency.

Because my students & supervisors are happy with my work, I wonder if some rejection sensitivity dysphoria contributes to me feeling miserable around my assistant. I truly spiral when I leave work & feel so bad about myself.

…no one there knows about my autism of ADHD 😅 I hope to wean my baby sometime in the next few months so I can start taking medication again. I’ve loved being able to breastfeed, and it’s a huge plus that it’s been free (compared to the cost of formula). My husband is a touring musician and will be gone for a few weeks this fall, so I want to wait to try to wean until he gets back home.

I guess I say all of this to ask for your solidarity and/or any insight you may have as strangers on the internet observing my situation.