Hello I'm J.D. 22 years old and living in one of the minor cities in north Italy.

This post is divided in three sections: (1) selected experiences of my life, (2) current situation and (3) future prospects and open questions.

(1) Infancy: I recall few memories from 0-14 and some episodes I'm going to mention belong to what I've inferred from other people words. I often had difficulty fitting in new groups usually because my interest gravitated towards building stuff (bikes, forts, stupid guns, small barrages ecc ecc ..) rather than football. I had friends with whom I sometimes hanged out with but I don't remember anything about It except for some unfortunate events. It bothers me that I only remembers those. Anyway I was told by mother I started to present some stuttering in my speech when I was 6 after my parents divorce. Although the stuttering It's real and was mostly cured when I was 17 It's hard for me to believe It has originated from a supposed encounter with my dad's new partner. Looking back I understand that the occasions I was used by my mother as blackmail were frequent and subtle, some of them revolved around my education. The manipulation was successful since I distinctively remember not loving my father very much for reasons I still don't understand. Average student at school and equally average in sports (I've done swimming, judo, rugby, hiking, canoeing). The situation improved a little in middle school since I had developed more friendships, engaged in more extra-curricular activities and was allowed to travel on my own by bus. Around this time my mother heart condition started to deteriorate (she already has pacemaker implants) eventually leading to a disability card when I was 14 and heart transplant when I was 16. To be completely honest I don't remember being worried or having strong feeling for this.

(1) Adolescence: I lied very much to everybody even if It was not necessary. The reason I justified myself for doing it was that in order to be accepted and to have more relationships bending the truth to convenience was often useful. This habit proved to be successful, I also noticed many other people were doing It. The main difference was that I only lied about myself, others didn't bother with such rule. I went to liceo scientifico in English (equivalent of grammar school, 5 years) but I changed class first year because I found Latin useless (basically I changed a specialization). There's not much to say about these first 2-3 years, I have decent memories of It: abandoning all old friends gave me a new opportunity to start fresh, a few bumps here in there but nothing a well constructed lie couldn't smooth out. On the other hand I also wasted hours on end on Youtube watching stupid videos, my grades suffered a little from that. Around this time I behaved as a totally different person with my mother and father. I understood  that my mother wasn't a person that can be reasoned with (It still is) since she was driven by the hatred she felt for my father and the her victim complex. This last subject in particular is very difficult to explain with clarity especially since it's true that life wasn't particularly kind to her but she was becoming obsessed with a new-age religion which made her increasingly impossible to address common and simple issues without some spiritual BS. The problem with this is that at the end of the day the house was embarrassing conditions (for example we had a room called "porciletto"="pigs room" which no matter how much I ordered she managed to fill it up with shit in a few days, the same applies to the rest the home to the point that I was embarrassed inviting people home), asking advise was useless if not counterproductive, talking about my health triggered her hypochondriac behavior, suggestions were taken as offense and verbal humiliation was frequent. I think most of this was caused by the fact that I started to call out her innuendos and lies when I was 14. I stopped pretty soon because her incapacity to reason made it possible to manipulate her; for example giving her credit for mine or other people achievements, or listening with fraudulent interest to some revealed wisdom. I feel shame and regret for my behavior since It enabled me to avoid addressing my issues with myself in a constructive way, my feelings did not exist unless someone was able to see through them, in that case I usually cut off the relationship for the fear of being judged. My lies reinforced the conviction that if someone was able to understand me, they wouldn't like me. This stuck with me to this day, although being aware of It grants more tolerance. With my father it was a stalemate, nothing of serious mattered was discussed. He remarried when I was 16, this caused some legal trouble later. Ultimately  COVID measures here were to lock everybody home for 2 years, school closed. During this period my mother accused me of wanting to kill her with the virus infection, nothing came out of it. For 2 years i just studied programming and experimented with It, I also discovered analytic philosophy. I kept in contact with my friends but I didn't really cared about their life, mostly because we were all doing nothing. When this period ended I went to a clinic in Milan to fix my stuttering, It has worked a little but in certain situations it's still difficult for me to keep it under control. I felt It was a good idea to see a psychiatry doctor because I felt like a split person, comparing myself to my mates made me understand I wasn't growing up, this proved to be a mistake later. I kept going and took medication for 4-5 months but ultimately decided It was a waste of time and money since I experienced nonexistent progress. Refashion-ship wise the situation was stable but confrontation with my mother became physical at home and in some in other places too. The only time I retorted back I broke her face underneath the eye, I called hospital afterwards and punishments didn't come for me, I image because previously all doors had been broken or damaged by her along or for other less severe episodes documented by family members. I don't feel any guilt: my mother consciously used her condition to extort silence, pity, money, privileges; considered that this behavior far preceded her health worsening and that her conduct after the operation is great contrast with all similar cases (usually patients get back to work, or have fun, or begin something new since their quality of life is on-par with normal people) I knew we were all being tricked by her. She doubled down on the victim complex and religion BS; I could provide more detail about this but I don't see what that would accomplish. Anyway at this point I'm looking at people around me with disgust and frustration, the more I lied the more I became intolerant towards other people doing the same or willingly believing in them not to annoy the group. At this time my relation with my father is conflictual but respectful: I disdain my father's wife and older (than me) daughter a little, they have frequently treated me in a condescending manner. I never understood why because I have never thrown tantrums (as they have) or made belittling comments, as stated before I took great care not to provide possible origins of conflict. I know their intentions are good but if I was given choice I wouldn't care about them at all. However my father is getting fed up by my distance and convenient lies. His anger didn't affect me very much. We did last year of school in presence and I obtained diploma with eq. 8.6/10, 4th of my class, and got accepted into the best engineering university in Italy. 

(1) Early adulthood: I started university in 2022, computer science. These 2.5 years are packed with good friendships, I went to many trips abroad with university acquaintances, classmates, dormitory buddies; I discovered parties, nightclubs and bars. I must admit I'm not fond of dancing, I can't still let go of a little embarrassment but nonetheless I learn much about healthy enjoyment of life with other people. I had much to catch up. Before moving out I knew the importance of not commit the same mistakes: presenting myself with some crafted mask, I stuck to that mostly. I'm not going to stress too much over this because It's not relevant to the analysis but note that this is the most important thing of these years: having fun but always with some anxiety of lagging behind. Marijuana was at the center of many nights, this started to affect me in the last 6 months of this period. Trouble from back home started to manifest soon in the form of a legal dispute between my parents for money issues. I was very intolerant and non-caring towards this but eventually I had to address their reasons and take sides. I made the mistake of maintaining the same policy with them: lie to them both and convince them I was on his/her side. I'm going to over-describe the the lengths I took to keep this facade, I was exhausting and forced me to lose lots of hours talking to lawyers (BTW, zero esteem for these professionals), hiding things around, forging documents ... Anyway the main problem was that my mother wanted the money for my staying in Milan (usually 600 euro and some extras) forcing my father to pay both me and her. The outcome I was looking for was for the money not be given to her (which was 1300 euros per month) since this was not sustainable and had more to do with greed and revenge than real necessity, my father went too far the opposite way so same conclusion applies. At the end of the first academic year I was 1 exam behind out of 6 and I decided to keep this hidden from my parents. The legal contention ended in a way I had not imagined. I thought that my mother was not aware of my visits with a psychiatrist and of my medication the year prior since I never told her and kept everything well hidden. While I was away she started looking into my stuff and in the papers found my prescription. She used this to her advantage along with the usual BS of being a victim of a disease she was already cured of and bla bla bla ... lies lies lies. I wasn't present when the decision was ruled but I lost, her lawyer informed me, she knew they played dirty. The really discouraging thing was that I lost for a crafted storytelling and not for something I got wrong in the interpretation of the previous agreement or what I forged. Fortunately that brushed off quickly since my grandparents helped me forward this, and to be honest I had more important things to think about. In the last month of the academic year I was expelled form my dormitory because I, along with some of my buddies, performed a prank that went too far and the priests, being very offended, called police. Nothing came out of It but I believe that a rat informed them. The prank was great but I had to find another place to live which eventually I did and everything went smoothly. My family was not happy at all about this. The good thing out of this mess was that for the first time, even thought I moved out, I kept my friends, I was making progress (usually in these situations I cut off everyone). The second academic year began almost as a copy of the first one, all good relationships related and exams related with the exceptions of my parents to whom I entertained minimum contact with. It was a blessing until the end of the first semester. Marijuana  and pornography were making me a lazy person and at this point I was 2 exams behind, I was becoming more anxious by the day, my ability to focus worsened and I started to hang out less and less. By the end of the semester I had passed 0 exams out of 3, meaning I now was 5 exams behind. This is the point when all the things I ignored came crashing down: I lied to my parents about my exams results and after a small bad episode regarding a girl a liked I packed my shit up and stayed at my father's home home for a month. There was nobody in that home other than me, my dad did not know and all I did was smoking and rolling joints for this period. No answering messages, no going out, no nothing. Eventually I did go on vacation for a few days with a friend group and this girl alone but my mind was in another place. I could and should say more about this. Anyway, my university taxes you more if you're behind with your exams and payment was already due for a month, my family was aware of this but I didn't act to solve this situation. Eventually I had to tell them since my options were all equally bad. My university time was up, still not having any romantic, or close to that, experience.

(2)  From September 2024 I have avoided to take actions or continue all major activities that mattered: stopped to study for university from which I have eventually been expelled in November since I no payment was executed, ignored phone-calls and messages from every friend to the point that this year in June I uninstalled all social media apps (feeling very relieved that now I don't have to confront the people I have ghosted for no apparent reason), stopped going to the gym to maintain a decent physique (fortunately I just lost weight and didn't become fat), looked for entry-level jobs that in the end I have not accepted, avoided to see all family members except for my mother from whom I don't engage in conversation or anything else. I set appointments with a shrink for 6 months achieving nothing except for having wasted 700+ euros in talking things I was already very aware of. In the first part of this year I mostly went out with a friend to talk and smoke marijuana in the evening or at night. My friend was happy to entertain this but around January police got me (here in Italy hashish consumption is not illegal but illicit which means no prison but mandatory blood analysis). We still continued to hang out but It became increasingly harder for me not to smoke when he and sometimes others did. I justified to myself our departure with my need to stop, which I went through at least. The reality is that at this point I live relationships as a burden since having no grip on will force puts me in a bad light with others and that hurts very much. Around this time I also stopped receiving phonecalls and messages from worried friends that have tried to contact me for 5-6 months. So this summer my activities did not change: studying things I enjoy, writing some articles for a group blog, rarely some walking (I won't be able to take the driving license until this September for the marijuana reason), practicing some french and I built my 4th kayak. The only highlight is a mugging I was a victim of that sent me to the hospital for a day, later the police which did intervene didn't let me file a complaint for lack of staff (whatever BS). That drove me to join a new political party in which I sincerely believe in (for other reason not related). This year I have studied or practiced inefficiently but for insane amount of time combinatorics, chess engine design, abstract algebra, linear algebra, analytic philosophy, virtualization in linux, analysis calculus II, python programming focused for data science, assembler programming, C++ and french. Am I determinate to eventually re-enroll to university because 1. I very clear view of field I am passionate for and the objectives I need to achieve to obtain a entry-level position in HPC 2. The 2 years I have done gave me enough evidence to be sure I am capable of It.  

(3) Prospects and challenges.

It is imperative for me to take the driving license and whatever job opportunity as soon as possible. Meaning that I'll most likely be a driver at the beginning of October and employed in 1-2 weeks. When I'll have some financial security It would be a good idea to move out and find another job. I expect that to be feasible for the end of October or early November. I have no idea what I should do with my old friends: If I were them I would tell me to go fuck myself for going missing in the event of re-establishing contact. Still, having nothing to lose is the main reason for trying, although rejection would hurt me very very much now. Is this a feeling I should fight against? I am also considering applying for scholarships, however it would be wise to wait until I sort my living conditions and mental stability as a human begin. My options are any French, English, Italian or Spanish speaking countries: I'll look into It the next coming months for a clearer picture. I have confused ideas on what type of relation I build with my family, I tend towards taking everything I can and don't look back. When I'll move out I'll gain much leverage with my mother whose cashing in money (and property) that doesn't belong to her, I'll evaluate the outcome of taking legal action a year from now. Is this a good idea? There some activities I should double down on: 1. I have developed and published some open-source software that is being used by others. I believe that to be a good asset for building a portfolio for skills I can offer to an employer. It is a net advantage compared to my competitors of my age who have not such experience. 2. I have build decent-quality fiberglass boats and posses experience in molding and computer simulated buoyancy tests. Is it worth to invest effort into these expertise or should I focus more into those few things that matter: job, relationships, university?

How to own your lies: don't make use of them! Some selected episodes of my life and open questions I'm asking your help for.