I started meds recently and what the hell

oh my god, I don't even know where to start but I have to get this out because I feel like my brain just unlocked something. like... I've tried so many things to get structure in my life, discipline, routines, all the self-help stuff, therapy and it wasn't working. I could go to the gym, I could clean my room, I could do all the things, but everything always felt so heavy like I was dragging myself through the mud to do things. Like every action required insane amount of effort. I kept thinking maybe I'm just a lazy person, I just lack discipline, It's just who I am and nothing will ever change. It's just how life is for everyone.

but last week I started elvanse/vyvanse and I just... do things. like, I deep cleaned my entire apartment because I FELT like it. I wasn't thinking "oh I have to clean" or "ugh I should do this" I just did it!! I just moved through it... like nothing. and the wild part? I wasn't thinking about a million other things. I wasn't distracted. I wasn't tired. I wasn't pushing myself against some invisible weight or wall. I just... cleaned. And I put everything away naturally after using it. dishes? not pilling them. trash? gone. all of it just... happens. and It's not that I'm forcing it. It's just... me... doing things... and it's not just cleaning. it's EVERYTHING. I baked brownies because I felt like it, like went to the store, bought ingredients, did it right away. I bought some succulents for no reason, but I felt like taking care of some. when I go to shopping, I put everything immediately away. I just walk past something that needs to be put away and it's just done unconsciously on the spot. a couple days ago I power washed my parents house just because I felt like it. And then I returned the day after to do gardening (??). And I made soup. I never made soup before but I felt like trying. I do so much around the house and then I stop to stare like woooow... I just do random things, big and small, because I want to. And wanting = gets done (still feels surreal). I start something, I finish, I follow through without thinking twice. my brain is just... clear. and it's comfortable silence in there like I'm not thinking about 20 different things at once. neurotypical people just live like this normally all their life?? what the fuck

and socially? I'm so chatty but not in the bad way. I'm so engaged in conversations. I remember things people tell me easily. I ask my friends out normally. I listen, I respond and I connect. I've never felt this present before and it's not exhausting at all!!

I feel really good. like I can do anything I put my mind to. everything that felt impossible before feels achievable. but this also makes me a bit... idk, sad in a good way. Like, oh my god, I cannot believe how I was living. how did I spend my entire life like that? how did I manage it? I cried so much the first day. just sobbed for like 30 mins straight in relief and joy and grief all at once because I was never just just lazy, lacking discipline, raised wrongly, unmotivated, incapable of structure. I was none of that. and I feel so thankful, endlessly thankful, for my psychiatrist. he actually listened, like really listened and talked to me. he didn't blame it on anxiety, depression, ocd, discipline issues, bpd and everything else I've heard before from other professionals. and honestly, I was surprised. I thought it would just be antidepressants or whatever they come up with and some vague talk about what it could be, and finally: "come back next month to adjust the dose". but instead, he wanted my entire life experience. and then, after hearing me out, there was an official diagnosis. no long debate, no "maybe it's this or that", no "I think I have this", just... here is what it is. on paper. so now I have two official diagnosis, from both my psychologist and psychiatrist.

I don't even know how to explain everything but I just had to share this somewhere because I don't know anyone who gets this. the only downside so far is I literally don't feel hungry at all. I could probably go a day with just breakfast so I set reminders to eat and force myself. I know it's the honeymoon phase for the first weeks and it's supposed to stabilize but I just need to put this out here :(