feeling a bit lost, confused, and helpless

hi yall…this isn’t my first post here and likely won’t be my last haha.

I’ve found myself in this subreddit quite a few times, most frequently after giving myself CHS (confirmed by doctors 3 times, but I’ve had a few “flus” that were most likely CHS too). I am back looking for some guidance under the notion that I want to slow my roll, and hopefully quit, until at least next June.

I have quit in the past for about 2-3 months at a time but never more than that (I am 23 and have been smoking since 18). I find I have very black and white thinking and it’s all or nothing, which is an autistic-adhd trait I am trying to work on. I drink maybe 2-3 times a year as it gives me terrible anxiety, so weed is my social thing and relaxing thing.

I am going into my last year or university and getting married next summer. I want to be fully present for both. I am going into teaching and the state of our education system is messed up enough, I want to be a teacher that was present during university and learning how to support students, so I can be a proper support and mentor for them.

I also want to remember getting married and all of the glorious moments leading up to it. I don’t want to go dress shopping stoned, or not remember walking down the aisle.

I am definitely going to talk to my therapist about this, but I have a hard time telling her how bad it is because I want to be able to go back to my ways without someone checking in on me. Same with my fiancé. I’ve told him so many times I am going to quit and don’t that he has given up on that area of my life and says he respects what I do, but doesn’t want to talk about it which I feel terrible about.

I know I need/want to quit but after a few months I get so bored. I have ADHD and have a hard time keeping myself occupied or want to spend my time getting energy out. My fiancé has no problem spending a whole day playing video games so he doesn’t really understand and I don’t know how to tell him I need him more during this time, even if it feels like keeping a toddler occupied.

Idk…I guess this is more of a rant than anything, maybe something to look back on to remember how things can get…but if you have any advice or words of wisdom I will gladly accept.