I don’t think I can do this

I got broken up 3 weeks ago and in a panic attack I lied to him to get his attention. Right before that, we went on a trip together and after the trip, he blindsided me with a break up. He found out and told me to never contact him again. When I thought I did better, I reached out to him to get my stuff back to find out I was blocked on all social media. I also contributed to the problems too and so did he and on good days I’m able to rationalize why we shouldn’t be together.

But you know what is so hard? Accepting that you have no closure and no say in this. 6 years of love and care. We talked about marriage and kids and a week before the break up we talked about getting married in the fall. He said I lied to him and betrayed him so he blocked all contact.

Everyday I go to work I just can’t breathe. I to to the gym, I work out, I call my family, friends, therapist, and my family even came over. And when I’m taking to them, it feels like a void is consuming me inside out. I don’t actively think about him but I just want to cry at work. I go out at lunch to the bus stop to cry then come back. At home, I’m eating then tears just come down. I try to think of the bad times too and rationalize myself but I cannot bring myself to do anything.

I used to be so confident, loving and giving. I smile and love making jokes. I’m now just a shell, there is nothing inside me. I’m okay with being with someone else in the future when I am healed, but imagine having children with someone else besides him is so unbearable. I can’t focus at work, I can’t think, I can only do routine things. Anything requires a brain I can’t even focus.

I know people say it gets better. Does it really? 6 years together. I don’t even know what to do. I can’t sleep at night if I don’t hear affirmation that he will come back to me. I’m mentally dying inside out.