Absentee Friends

33F, supposed to have all figured out life but sometimes feels so lonely and crumpled. I have friends, but I have gone back to questioning what does friendship really mean? The ones who are married have their spouses for most of the things and will only reach out when they feel like talking, sharing what weighs on my heart and mind somehow feels like whining, even though they (read 1) don’t make me feel so, it sure feels like it. Then there are unmarried ones but they don’t even seem to include me in things that truly matter, even sharing for that matter. They are content shopping, travelling, watching movies on their own or with other friends. Either I am informed days prior or their travel or post travel. Kinda feels pathetic that people are so content in their own lives that they won’t even bother informing you of their international travel plans. Off lately I have realised only I seek their company even in these mundane things and felt like a stupid person who can’t even function on her own. Then there are ex’s for the lack of better word who have all but moved on in their lives- and seeing them content or rather moved on sometimes feels like a stab in the heart. Now, don’t even feel sharing with others. And other friends well they keep on telling they will message talk meet but it never happens. After a long time, I feel like I used to as a young girl - I have no friends and I wish I did. But at the same time, I hate the idea of becoming close to anyone now. It’s scary. I can’t even imagine marriage or love. And always feel distant with family can never really share the true feelings without being dismissed or judged. God really feels like a crybaby hormonal outburst.

Anyone ever feel like this?