I don’t know why my first love keeps coming back to me even after all these years

[LONG POST AHEAD!]

It was a one-sided love that started in August 2019, back when we were in 8th grade (I even remember the exact timeline). I liked him for 5 years. My feelings for him would come and go, and every time I thought they stopped, I assumed I was finally over him, that I had moved on and was okay.

That’s why I got into other relationships. But during my first relationship (2022–2023), I realized I still liked my first love. And every time I broke up with an ex, my feelings for him would resurface. Even when I wasn’t thinking about him, paying attention to him, or talking to him when I was focused on other things he would suddenly appear in my dreams. And just like that, my world would revolve around him again.

In those dreams, it was always the same: he would confess to me, telling me that he liked me back. Sometimes I even knew I was dreaming because it was so repetitive. One time, I even asked in the dream if I was dreaming, and I pinched myself, I felt pain, but I still woke up. And the way he confessed in those dreams felt so realistic.

I can honestly say he shaped a huge part of who I am today. I started playing MLBB because of him, thinking that maybe someday we could play together. At first, I thought it was impossible for us to duo since he was really good while I was just a “noob/mid.” But during the pandemic, when school was suspended and everything moved online, he was the one who invited me. We became duo partners. We played different games together, stayed up until 3AM, and even chatted with “po” and “opo” (formal polite speech in Filipino).

We had been close since Grade 8. I felt like I was the only girl he was close with in our class. And the more I got to know him, the more amazing I found him, and the deeper I fell. Even if he didn’t “catch me” back then, I didn’t mind. As long as he was happy, that was enough for me. I was also happy that I got to know him more deeply while we were close.

He’s introverted quiet but intelligent. We were seatmates and often grouped together. He would always help me, especially when I was group leader and the rest of our groupmates were slacking off. Because of him, the crushes I had after were like “version 2.0” of him fair-skinned, thin, wore glasses, gamers, smart (we’d even compete on scores or cheat off each other), and also into anime (though I wasn’t into his Boruto obsession, sorry hahaha).

Honestly, I could talk about him all night. But now, we’re not close anymore. Maybe because I was the one who distanced myself to try moving on (which obviously didn’t work), to respect his girlfriend at the time and my boyfriend (back then). One of my ex boyfriend even happened to be his friend, so I distanced myself even more.

Now I can’t help but wonder: what did he really think of me? Did he find me annoying? Or did he ever think of me as special in any way? Tbh, we never had a heart-to-heart talk, so I never knew his point of view about me. After everything we shared, I wonder how he saw the girl who loved him for so long, and who was always silently supporting him from behind the scenes.