I have something wrong with me and I feel so alien

It's really hard to explain it so I might sound dumb but I feel alien so first I'll say what I can't to I can't think freely or really at all or imagine or have a me and there's this thing in my mind that blocks any healing like I can't notice sensations or focus or do breath work and it's not like my brains shut off and I can't cause of that there's stuff going on but I feel disconnected from it and it all feels alien the way it all happens the way I do anything my whole reality and it could line up with dissociation if I bring up my past but it doesn't seem right to me but I feel like my entire life I've been mentally unwell I'll start when I was little so if I can remember just having problems with decisions and not much can remember and then I started getting emotional abused by my dad and I cant really remember but everything I'm about to say happened between 5 and 10 years of age maybe younger or older but I would have brain rotted dreams or lustful ones and some times the dreams would feel so realistic that I could feel the pain of like getting hurt in them and I could never freely think or Imagine and I would get mad cause it felt like my mind was trying to rage bait me and i was super emotional and dramatic but I don't know when the emotions went wrong but I do remember arguing with emotions in my head and I would also like to stim it was embarrassing but when I was little I would always fidget with my private in the store and not know anything wrong with it and my mom would always say hey you hand out of your pants but I never thought it was serious or bad to do it I would have to repeat words in my head for this itch and it would be really bad words for some reason some times and I also now feel like I can't use my mind in any way I can't cry feel connected to myself or mind but there's all this weird alien stuff that happens and I can't do anything with my mind and my face keeps changing its so weird but it always feels like I'm doing the stuff I do for attention and there's alot more stuff with my child hood and now but I feel like I'm yapping so I'll leave it here someone please help I'm also 14.