wanting to sh but not doing it

i dont understand myself like i wanna cut every single day but end up not doing it, its not like im scared or anything its like theres this mental block thats stopping me and also the thought of my mom finding out that i relapsed and her reaction (shes already depressed af) i just feel so guilty just thinking about it but at the same time i just REALLY wanna cut, i want scars all over my body but idk i really dont know