How long is this going to take!

I’m feeling upset and I could use some solace or prayer. Any acknowledgment of my struggle.

I’ve not easily been unenrolled from college for almost a year now and for the past few months I’ve been breaking bondage from the story of being at my old college. It’s landed me right back in my resource desert of a hometown "out of obedience(I hope)"and am I going to have anything to show for it? Even before I began to do that I’ve been working on seeking what’s actually for me. God do you want me at a particular college? A particular state or city? Can I be a student now? Please I’ve left my Egypt. Are you wanting me to learn anything else from this nightmare? What more do you want from me Father? I’m so down in the dumps.

I search high and low. There are tons of colleges for me to consider studying at. I end up scrapping most of them and saying nope that can’t be it. It got to the point where I even started considering international colleges by the end of last year. And I got a passport this year. And they’re perfect it’s just that I don’t know if it’s in Gods will for me. Studying internationally when you’ve never even been out of the country before isn’t as simple to believe in when you’ve been through what I’ve been through. It’s in his hands because I’m just another somebody from a low income family. It makes no sense to consider international undergraduate studies when you’re as poor as I am.Whatever I do I have had to support myself. No mommy, sister, aunt, or grandparent money for me. God is the only one I can look to. I’m someone who literally had to leave my first college due to unresolved financial reasons. If God never came through for that then will he help me go to another continent to study? And just because I think it’s perfect doesn’t mean God thinks so to. I’ve been down that road before.

Researching being an international student has made me look at myself sometimes like have you not learned your lesson? Just go to community college like everyone else. That’s what everyone would want for you if they really knew your situation. You want a college education don’t you? And stop trying to stay out of your home state. Just get your in state tuition and hush. Do what you can and stop looking for things that will require crazy faith in God. But that’s not me. I’m very rigid regarding where and what, if I get to have any say about my education. Currently I’m back to considering a few domestic universities along with the international ones I’m considering. I’m mostly iffy about them. I’d feel okay studying at them if God is willing to provide for me to be there but other than that I’m so disillusioned by American schools. My first college broke me all over.

My main source of frustration is the fact that whenever I consider a college I have to worry about my transcripts being sent if I proceed to apply. I’ve applied to a college earlier this year and my high school didn’t send my transcript on time for them to even consider me. They dumped my application. It took my high school months to send a transcript that the college had no need for anymore. Recently since being home I ordered more transcripts but I ordered them to be sent to my home address this time since I can’t trust them to send it to another state that’s right above us on time. And I live less than 10 minutes from my small high school. Nothing. I keep praying for them to please send my transcripts to me or do something to finish the process and I’ve gotten nothing. I thought that this would be better since I live so close to my school but it still seems to not be helping them move the process along. I even attached a message to my order saying hey can you please just not let my order sit here, you’re derailing my academic endeavors…. God will you help me to actually get admitted anywhere!? Am I allowed to go to college? The colleges will need my final transcript if so but I’m just left to wallow in hopelessness and fear that I just wasted more money and my high school will send my transcript when I no longer need it. All that I have is an old transcript and how will that help me get admitted when I finished high school years ago? It only tells half of my tale.