What the fear is really about

I went a good 15 years in what I would consider near-recovery. I very rarely thought about being sick and only had anxiety when I felt genuine nausea or felt like throwing up was imminent. During this period I had plenty of exposure; about a year ago, I actually had an exposure that I would consider borderline positive, where I was able to get sick without panic, felt much better afterwards and genuinely felt (and still feel!) that the experience wasn’t that bad. I even said to my husband, “I think that might’ve done it, I might be over my phobia!”

Well, sike. Recently I’ve had a very bad relapse, perhaps the worst it’s ever been in my life. I keep wondering: why didn’t the exposure lessen the fear? When I look back on it, I try to remember how much it WASN’T bad. But my brain keeps saying, “What if next time it IS bad?”

So here’s what I think. I’m not actually afraid of the act itself. The act itself is a natural reflex that my body already knows how to do, it feels more or less like a coughing fit, and it lasts a minute or two at most.

I think what I’m really afraid of is being disgusting. I am afraid of others being disgusted by me. I think this is an extension of perfectionism and people-pleasing tendencies that show up in a lot of other areas in my life: I am afraid that I will let people down, that they will be revolved by me, that I will be a burden to them if I’m sick. That I will scare them or gross them out. Most of the time I'm in control (or perceive that I'm in control, however true or not true it may be) of how I present to other people, but if I were to be sick, that's something I can't control: a bodily function that could happen without my permission.

But then I ask myself: So what? What if I gave myself permission to be messy and gross and human? Imagine if my worst fear really did come true, and I threw up all over myself in public. Nothing really bad would happen! (By the way, I have already lived this!!! And it was fine!!! It was temporarily yucky but it was fine!!!)

So as I work toward recovery, I’m focusing on allowing myself to be a gross and normal human with a gross and normal human body that does the things human bodies do. I do not have to worry constantly about everyone else and how they’re feeling. That isn’t my burden to bear and is something far beyond my control. There is no shame, no embarrassment, nothing WRONG with being sick, even in a public place, even in front of other people, even if it makes a mess. It is part of the human condition and I am a human, and that’s okay.