Single mom struggling to parent 14 year old son. Need advice.

I am a single mom basically raising him on my own. His dad does not live with us. He’s has hopped in and out of his life but always been extremely unreliable and my son has basically no respect for him as he now fully understands how inconsistent he’s been as a father. He’s been “trying to get his shit together” for years now. Up until last year, my son was doing great. Straight A student, lots of friends, always hanging out with kids on the weekend and after school. At the end of the school year last year, things began to change.

His grades are slipping… he’s currently failing a class due to missing assignments. He got a 65% on a biology exam. He assures me, he’s fine. I asked him what he’s struggling with and how I can help but he won’t even admit he’s struggling. How do you help someone improve when they won’t even acknowledge the issue to begin with? Every day I ask him to check his classes to see if he has hw but it’s not getting done or if it does, he gives it little to no effort.

This year, he is struggling to get up for school in the mornings… I have to wake him up every day. After he rolls out of bed and gives himself no time to get ready in the morning he barely gets to school with a minute to spare. He’s going on 4 tardiness in 2 weeks.

He seems to have lost all of his friends. He had a very solid friend group until late last year. He suddenly stopped being included. I figured the group just stopped hanging out all together, but I’ve seen the other kids continue hanging out in other moms photos on fb or just walking around the neighborhood. I’ve fought tooth and nail to get him to open up about the situation and he won’t. He says they are all still friends at school, he just doesn’t hang out with them outside of school and says he’s fine with it. I find this hard to believe. We’re very close and spend a lot of time together but at the end of the day, I’m his mom and I know he has to miss hanging with buddies. I have tried talking to him MANY times. Even suggesting he invite them to do something… he never does. This creates a lot of guilt for me. If I have plans and he doesn’t on the weekend, I feel horrible. It’s so sad to see him not included but again, how do I help if he won’t open up?

He’s starting to have these fits of anger… I took his phone last week at 9 pm in an effort to help him get ready for school the following day without distractions. He slammed his bedroom door and sounded like he was throwing things around his room for a minute or two. When I went into his room there was a hole in the wall. He says he threw something at the wall out of frustration. Today, I dropped him off at school and he was angry he didn’t give himself time to get ready and didn’t like how his hair looked. He kicked my car dashboard, said he hated his life, and slammed the door as he got out.

I’ve noticed there is a clear addiction to his phone. His screen time is way up and it seems he uses the phone as a distraction or way to escape and numb himself. As soon as he gets up in the morning, he’s on his phone. I’ve put screen time limits on most of the apps - TikTok, clash of clans, etc. I’ve also put downtime on the phone starting at 9 pm. He also listens to TERRIBLE music almost constantly. I will admit, I’m guilty of listening to rap music as well but with that stuff constantly in his ear, he has to be internalizing it to some capacity. I’ve tried encouraging other genres and have made point to stop listening to it myself. I’m always reminding him to take his headphone out or get off his phone. I could probably be better about this but it gets exhausting.

He’s a joy to be around when things are good! But when things are not going his way, he gets moody (I know this is normal teenage behavior). But part of me wonders if his mood and negativity is the reason for his lack of friendships. I’ve witnessed him walking into the school upset bc he’s running late or had a bad morning and another kid from his class saying hello. My son completely ignores them. I know this isn’t intentional but he gets so in his head and can’t even think of others. I’ve witnessed this behavior in a few different settings. He struggles to shake things off, like he’s got this weight on his shoulders that he’s carrying around and it’s dragging him down.

He’s playing in football and baseball which keep him involved and plugged in socially. These are his only social outlets at the moment so I’m glad he has at least something. His dream has always been to go to college to play baseball somewhere however, his actions couldn’t be further from getting him there. I used to remind him constantly to hit off the tee, something he should be doing daily. I’ve recently stopped bothering and not once has he taken the initiative. We also belong to a facility he can practice at in the evenings/weekends. He’s never asked me to go. I used to fight him on this but at this point there are bigger issues and I’m picking my battles. At this age, I cannot force it.

We live with my parents which adds another layer of complexity to the situation. He has his own room and plenty of space. They are nothing but supportive and loving and have provided a safe and happy place for us however, it’s not lost on me that his upbringing has not been the most conventional.

I don’t know where to turn at this point. I understand there is healing that needs to take place. I’m kicking myself because I feel I’ve let all of this spiral out of control. Like I could have handled some of this sooner. Put better restrictions on the phone. It’s extremely hard to put restrictions on something he’s been allowed complete freedom for so long. He’s isolated himself and doesn’t seem to have anything motivating him to do better or change.

I’ve thought about therapy but I seriously doubt he would open up to anyone. I’ve thought about taking privelages away (phone, play station) but I don’t know how effective that would be? I’m just not sure where to go from here.

Any advice or encouragement would be so helpful.