No choice really sucks

Sorry just really need to vent here. Feeling alone. I (27F) went to see my psychiatrist today. I recently had a relapse of psychotic symptoms (disorganised thinking causing self neglect, loss of insight, delusions and hallucinations) over July and August, and the crisis/intensive team came out for up to an hour every night for 5 weeks, which was both incredible because in hindsight with insight now it kept me from hospital, but also stressful and invasive. They ensured I took my antipsychotic meds, which I’d tapered myself off (because of fears of tardive dyskinesia and not thinking I needed them anymore), and I’ve been back on meds for about 8 weeks.

I desperately want to not take antipsychotics. But my psychiatrist made it plain today I need to take them for at least 5 years and even then there will always be a risk of relapse. She said I do have the choice of stopping them, but from my history I likely won’t have capacity after a couple of months and that choice will be overridden in hospital. It really really sucks. I just want to be free from taking medication and the risks of serious side effects. I’ve tried so many antipsychotics and the one I take, lurasidone, has the least side effects, but the nausea means I need an antiemetic and I feel so groggy in the mornings. I wanted hope from today’s meeting that I could somehow come off with therapy but it’s been a tough no.