Trigger warning: Anxiety & Depression

I (20F) am a nursing student in the PH, born middle class, has great spiritual belief, and wants to finish my academics. This might be a long post so get a little cozy.

I am born in a middle class family consist of 3 older brothers and me the only girl and the youngest. All of my brothers have a great job but has own troubles financially and two of them already have their own family. I'm in 3rd year nursing, and my tuition is beginning to get higher and higher, my mom and dad are both a senior citizen, but still pushed through working from 6am-10pm just for me and for making ends meet. Now I feel very bad because aside from our tuition we also have a lot of payments in school aside from it. So I started to be a live host. Where I sing, talk to mostly men and entertain them by talking and somehow slightly flirting just for them to like me and send gifts. Some of them suggested that I have to wear sleeveless tops just for me to have more viewers, I'm somehow making ends meet for 3 months I have a salary worth of $300+ for less than 2 months.

Yes I was able to buy my NEEDS and Food. But I did not realize that I lost myself along the process. I became unfulfilled even when I had good amount of salary that day, because I knew that I had to look extra beautiful and wear tops that could entice men; I have to respond to their flirty messages even when I am not comfortable because they might send me gifts. There won't be a live that I haven't had that experience, some days are worse, some days are better. I only got 3 hours of sleep maximum and have to wake up early to go to school. I was always lethargic in school. I managed to pass my prelims term by praying, by hoping that even when I only was on autopilot due to fatigue I still got good scores. But all was never enough. Since I got this job(?), I was suppressing everything, my financial problems, stress in catching up on demanding academics, my tiredness, and most of all I never realized that I also buried all negative emotions, because after school I have to go live up until 3am and have to laugh, talk to people, encourage them to be happy cuz they open up a lot of problems there. It was slowly draining me without me having the time to feel it that much because of my lack of time but it was all manageable for me because I "was" a resilient person. BUT THIS ONE THING BECAME MY LAST STRAW.

As I was visiting my co-host's live (he had a "multi" live, so other person can go up the live so he/she/they/them could also be gifted as well or could talk and be seen on the live.) I gifted him some gifts because he needed it to reach for his quota, luckily I reached my ideal quota that time so I want to share my blessings too. I have observed that there was this one guy who wants to flirt with me but has harsh words coming out of his mouth but it was a "joke" according to him, it made me a little sad how a person could flirt himself to a person and don't even think of what that person feels when he talks in such harsh ways. I realized that he did not have any beans in his profile and as well in the multi live. they were about to end the live and I said "wait" and recharged because I felt pitiful that, that guy didn't have their own beans on that multi. It feels weird to me to only gift one person and not him (this was really my genuine intention). I gifted him too as a "surprise" but then he commented, "I don't like what you did", "You have a different trip." and he said through audio that "You know how much clearing up beans costs?", and I said jokingly "It's fine we're just gonna pitch in with my friends to clear that." but then what he said would always replay in my mind.

"ARE YOU SURE?! YOUR TUITION WOULDN'T BE ENOUGH IN CLEARING THIS AGAIN!".

When I tell you I sank. My whole body heated up, especially in my nape area. I was really shocked and the other guy to was soo nervous too so I knew I did something really wrong. Unfortunately I did not know that he did not want any beans in his account to make his account look like a really great "Spender". Right then and there I was not able to sleep, I was full of worries. Yes I did apologize to him as much as I can and told him that It was really not my intention, I did not know that he had that goal. Minutes later he said that it was fine, but I knew the severity of what I did. I then rested for a week.

That week was fortunately a "long weekend" week so I had a lot of time to think and rest and do a lot of backlogs in my school paper works. One random night, I was being jumpscared by BF(20M) and right there, due to shock, I was stunned, my heart was pounding, I had 2 cups of coffee that day, and everything just came back in my mind like a flashback. All the hardships the things that have suppressed. I cried without inhaling anymore, I trembled, I laid just crying and shaking, and no matter how much I calm down I tend to disassociate and cry again, I had a hard time to breath, my throat felt like it was always squeezed. I was fidgeting like I have to stimulate myself.

Days passed I have these symptoms always occurring in the afternoon up until the whole night. I couldn't sleep, I tremble, I had a hard time to breathe. Until there was a night that I had two paralysis. I have a community duty that day but before that I haven't had any sleep at all that night because I had to finish my requirements, I did not eat breakfast, was acidic due to stress and coffee, had to walk in the community to assess for patients, when I got back home I slept and did not eat lunch anymore due to fatigue. I had paralysis, I was not able to move no matter how much I tried but I was very aware of the podcast that I am listening, the things around me I can see. But it was about 5 minutes that I fought for my body to move, thank God I was able to wake up. I finally ate at night and made sure to nourish myself, and I was so sleepy so I have to sleep again, minutes/hours later I had paralysis again, I was not able to breathe, this time I was wheezing, and slowly my breaths became slower, I could hear my heartbeat getting slower, up until I had my last breath, seconds later I really fought to breath and thank God again for making me breath again, and then I woke up with a heart really beating so fast because I was so scared. There were no monsters, or any hallucinations, just me fighting for my life.

Days came and I was still so anxious, my symptoms was always there and did not stop. Today was our annual psychological test in school, my scores were high. Severe depression, extremely severe anxiety, and moderate stress were my results, now I was able to manage my stress level, but the other two I cannot control as of now. We just got together with my friends this evening, we ate, and had a really great time. I was able to laugh genuinely for a long time today. And I thought I was getting better. Tonight I thought I was doing better today. I chatted them on our group chat thanking them saying "Thank you for today guys." majority of them replied "k" jokingly, and I added 'Something healed in me today" and again they replied "sige" which is also "okay" in english. That hurt me, because I really thought I was healing. I sank again. I thought I was okay, I'm beginning to be better but I didn't. I felt alone, not valued, and I had an anxiety attack again. Cried so much that I couldn't even breath anymore, all I could do was exhale, my eyes rolled up, my body shivering.

What should I do? I'm planning to use my 1 year free health check-up, for my mental health and get diagnosed or something, because this has been going on for like more than a month.

I am very sorry if some of these are very confusing, and messy. I am also sorry if these are so long. I literally just want this to get off my chest.