Just a broken, lost guy looking for... Something

WARNING: This post goes into some sensitive adult topics that occur in relationships so please be advised. This is also super long so I apologize. Really this isn't worth your time to read 😂 but if you do thank you for reading my rant and problems

CONTEXT: I'm a 27 year old guy who's had the absolute worst luck when it comes to relationships and gf's. Not cause I'm weird or awkward in fact I can hold a meaningful convo with a girl and I've always had female friends but 99% of girls only ever see me as a friend which is totally ok with me and I respect that. That being said I've never really had the privlage of having a girl I could say was mine. A girl I could hold hands with, watch tv shows and movies with, cuddle with, kiss and touch, etc. Stuff all guys want and dream about. That's been the case for most my life. After starting college, I decided to really work on myself. I lost weight, worked out when I could, got an actual haircut, maintain a beard and all that. Yet no luck.

I never let it get me down and I never blamed anyone or women for it. After all everyone is allowed to have their own preferences and honestly being a south Asian guy living down south in Texas also really limits my chances. I'm aware of my limitations of course but I always knew my personality and loyalty would make up for some of it in a relationship and to make up for the rest I would always try my hardest to be the best version of myself in a relationship.

Some people are lucky enough to find relationships all the time. They break up. And then get together with someone else again. But for some a relationship or love or even a human connection is so rare that they cherish it to the point where they want to preserve it for the rest of their life. That's the category I fall into. Anyway this all changed when...

MY (FIRST) RELATIONSHIP: I came across this girl (Let's call her Annie) through my brother who he was friends with. Turned out Annie lived a few hours away from me in another city but still within driving distance. So using a popular messaging app we spent time talking and getting to know each other. Annie is an extremely shy, nerdy girl. She had only been in one relationship before that ended horribly and didn't want to date but we both liked each other. So after some time, I proposed an idea, a sort of trial period where we would date and if she didn't feel comfortable by it or with me after a week or two she could back out, no questions asked. No hard feelings. She accepted and honestly, things were amazing.

Even after the honeymoon period. We would drive to each other when we could and spend weekends together. For the first time in my life I was with a girl I could hold hands with, kiss, cuddle with. First time experiences for me as a man with a girl totally out of my league and I was greatful she accepted and loved me. She insisted I meet her parents and she met mine. A year passes and she graduates college and applies for a graduate degree that would have her move up to my city about 15 mins away. We both were excited. Looked for houses together. I started planning out dates and to show her around my city and the same college I go to that she got into. Except...

THE ISSUE: Annie was also very insecure and unsure of herself. Anytime a topic would come up regarding some female be it fictional or real, she would radiate jealousy to the point where her mind would tell her that I wanted that girl more than her and she would hate me. Admittedly it was a glaring red flag but... It was just the one. And its not like it'd happen often but when it did she would lose it. Luckily, I have a lot of patience and would just let her go through it till she got it out of her system and then I'd reassure her. But it did hurt me a lot that she 1) Didn't trust me 2) Still insisted we watch movies and tv shows that had suggestive content 3) would tell me it's ok and that she's ok when she wasn't 4) Wouldn't let me take steps to curb these things from happening or leading to an argument. See, for me there was no winning in the argument and that's why I wanted to avoid these things. So I told her I didn't want to do stuff like go to comic cons or watch movies that had suggestive themes or scenes because I know that even if I was on my absolute best behavior she would lose it.

On my end I really didn't mind if she enjoyed games like love and Deep Space, she enjoyed fantasy stories that featured suggestive content. Or for her to even talk about male celebrities. In fact I encouraged her to be herself and explore herself. I guess I'm just a little more open minded like that? Idk. But she was the complete opposite for me which was fine with me. I loved her. I only had eyes for her. Everytime she would get like this id always try to understand why she would get like that. Id ask why she thought that way or what I could do but she never gave an answer and dismissed me when I tried to curb those things. One night when she was like this I snapped. Now I don't snap or lose it very often but when I do I kind of go all in and basically pick apart the person one by one with the figurative ammo I have on them... It's... Not pretty and I know that's bad but I had just reached my limit of being treated that way and I felt I had exhausted all my options so I went off on her (we were on call cause she was still living in her own city) about all the double standards that were in our relationship. About how I was supportive of her playing games with characters for the female gaze and reading stuff that was for females but then being berated for stuff I didn't do. I mean I yelled at her and all. But I didn't name call her or whatever. I had raised my voice. This fight happend a month and half before she moved up here to my city. That same weekend she was coming up to finalize the house she was going to move into so I actually ended up meeting both her and her mom in person. I spent the entire day explaining myself and apologizing to her. We both apologized. Talked it out. She said I showed commitment and love by showing up and talking things out. The last thing she said before she left was "Let's just try again and be better" and I said "Yes please" and we kissed.

Two days later she broke up with me on the phone after I begged her to wait till she moved up here so I could at least show her how good we could be in person officially. She said that I didn't make her feel like a priority and that she didn't feel any love for me since the start of this year and said she just wished she could go back to how things were. She then blocked me and I haven't heard from her since. I tried reaching out through her friends but they told me that she's moved on and won't be reaching out and honestly ever since then I've been lost. It's been around 3 months now and honestly I've given up entirely. I just disagree with her about not making her a priority. Honestly if she'd given me any other reason at least I could pin it on that but to this day idk why she did what she did especially after what she said. So am I the asshole? Am I cooked? Am I that shitty of a partner? I am trying to find reasons to blame myself. I did raise my voice at her. That wasn't right. But I really did and... Still do love her. But I also feel so wronged.