I hate living

26 m I'm seriously considering not living anymore everyone is condescending af my family don't get me no one does I actually can't stand living forced to be dealing with depression and anxiety and bad memories flooding me all the time I cant afford to get therapy I'm tired of begging for help and all my freinds betrayed me and my family point out my fucking problems but can't even look at my pain it's not fun for me and everyone in my life is just sarcastic I wanna be appreciated by one fucking person just one I just got out of a relationship too which turned out fkn trash I'm so used to being judged used and burnt my everyone in my life I'm seriously not considering being alive anymore shits getting to me I cant even vent without being told to get on medication and try therapy I can't get on meds cause of bad side effects I was fat af on meds and quit and went to being really fit I'm never touching meds due all the trauma I'm so sick of people's attitudes towards me I'm just quick to violence I'm sick of everyone I don't even know what to do I'm tired of trauma dumping and im so much pain I can't form friendships cause I keep thinking qm I gonna get burnt again I get so pissed off at the thought of needing help I get real bad outbursts of anger cause I want it to stop then everyone calls me out on my anger I'm always blamed for everything I don't even wanna be alive or I want to be somewhere I'm appreciated I can't move I have no fkn job no resources my social anxiety prevents me from doing things and my head is so full on I'm so sick of people saying shit like go live in a 3rd world country I legit don't even wanna be alive no more I don't even tell anyone in my life I don't wanna be here cause I never wanna go to hospital again after the way I was treated in there