Can someone verbally kick me

I’m starting a masters program in like 3 weeks and if I’m being honest with myself, I’m nowhere near recovery. I have lowkey been over exaggerating to my therapist, and to my wife. My behaviours haven’t changed at all, even though everyone thinks I’m “doing recovery”. I think maybe I’ve been working on the mental part, I’m reading Fearing the Black Body, and 8 Keys to Recovery from an ED, been doing a lot of journaling.

Ultimately, I don’t want to let go of my sick body. I also have a chronic illness which does not help me connect to my body at all. Essentially, I need everyone’s horror stories. I need everyone’s reasons for recovery, and why you keep choosing it. I don’t want to live like this but I need to find motivation.

It doesn’t help that I’m definitely not underweight medically (though I know that absolutely does not determine validity in ED spaces). But it’s something my disorder latches onto.

Also I’m just… really fucking hungry.

TLDR: give me the horror stories of what ED’s do to you and the people around you. Give me your reasons to keep recovering. Kick me up the backside I Need to do this.