I just feel so hopeless, like the weight of the world is on my shoulders

So I made a post yesterday talking about my struggles and today my mental health has gotten even worse. Here's the link to the previous post for context of what I'm going through [Have I condemned by Brothers soul? : r/Christianity](https://www.reddit.com/r/Christianity/comments/1n6ha8b/have_i_condemned_by_brothers_soul/).

I suffer from OCD and right now it genuinely feels like I have to control everything and prevent bad things from happening to my family. I feel this unbelievable burden on my shoulders to protect everyone and these coincidences I keep experiencing just make everything worse. This is all tied into the post I linked above, because that has really messed me up. I feel like a selfish, worthless and ignorant individual who has brought suffering to my Brother's life because of a stupid selfish mistake I made a year ago. I know selling souls isn't biblical but I'm just really struggling with the coincidence.

And today I just experienced more coincidences. I was driving home and my OCD got bad, so I kept reacting to the thoughts. Then a youtube video popped up saying the "devil hopes you scroll before watching this video". It was from a Christian youtuber who I watch. But this just made my thoughts worse because the devil is a big trigger for my OCD. Then when I got home I watched the video and it said to read the bible more, especially when we are struggling. I thought it was a good point and I haven't read the bible in a couple of days since I'm trying to take a break to rebuild my mental health. After watching the video I decided to go onto the bible app to read one of the plans I was doing. The plan on the app today was focusing on the story of Mary, Martha and Lazarus. It said how their Brother (Lazarus) died and they needed faith in Jesus in order for him to come back to life. This really messed me up since the last two days I have been worrying about the fear of selling my Brother's soul (linked post). And all the reacting to thoughts in the car, just makes everything feel so real. It makes me fear that if I step away from Christianity and display lack of faith something bad will happen to my Brother.

I recently decided to take my faith slower because of how bad my mental health has gotten, so I started reengaging with activities I had previously stopped doing in fear that they were sinful. This includes watching films that have violence and playing violent xbox games. But now the fear of my Brother and the coincidence from a year ago and the coincidence today, makes me feel like Jesus is trying to tell me that if I walk away from Christianity these bad things will happen to my Brother. I've had some doubts about faith recently. I'm only super new to faith. I've only been to Church 3 times and I started looking into Christianity 2 months ago. I have a lot of questions and doubts, which I understand is normal but a part of me is unsure if I believe. I want to take things slow but I'm just afraid that these things will happen to my Brother if I start engaging in certain activities. I can't even do simple things like drinking water, or eating certain foods without fear. Even as I'm writing this in bed it made me afraid to turn onto my other side otherwise something bad will happen. I know God is all loving, but in my OCD brain it feels like God just wants to punish me for my mistakes and punish my family because of me. I just feel such a burden and I'm getting exhausted mentally and physically.

Sorry this was quite long, I just feel so stuck right now. I had a therapy session yesterday which was helpful but she doesn't specialise in religion so I can't really ask her theological questions. I know OCD can make it feel like coincidences are real. It's called magical thinking and I've suffered with it my whole life. She said I need to do ERP (exposure response prevention) where I face my fears, but it feels so risky and scary. I know God doesn't try to confuse us but I just feel so confused.

Any advice and help would be much appreciated, thank you.