i’m going to see a doctor for my mental health and i’ve never told anyone i’m so scared

hi everyone i am 19 and i’m struggling really bad

i can’t really explain everything but basically all the trauma and pain left me really drained, im like just surviving, i don’t think i’ve genuinely laughed for 5 years, and its really hard to accept because i use to be fun and joyful all the time

i’ve had suicidal thoughts for as long as i can remember, my brain’s way of coping is literally telling me go to kill myself it will hurt less for any inconvenience even the smallest shit, i will completely break down and think of crashing my car in a wall i also had very bad social anxiety for years so making friends is hell, i’m never myself it feels like my personality was erased from myself, i cant hold eye contact, i can’t have a normal conversation, my brain tells me everyone hates me all the freaking time im starting nursing school this week after a year of home schooling because of my social phobia

i can’t live like this anymore and i took an appointment with a gp for tomorrow, didn’t tell my mom or anyone. i couldn’t afford a psychiatrist or anything else so im hoping she can help. this is the first time i have reached out. i’m scared because when the very bad thoughts go away my brain is like “oh it never happened!!” and so i dismiss everything but i want to tell her the truth i also want a magic solution . i know it’s not realistic but i can’t live another day in this hell of a brain

advice or comfort please i’m so alone in this