In-Law drama. Tired of their shit.

I'm (F26) going to refer to my fiancee's parents as In Laws because we are engaged and it's easier to write out.

My InLaws, mostly FIL, have always been really difficult people. My fiancee (M28) has a lot of unresolved issues with his parents. Every time he's brought them up, they get defensive and talk about how much they've done for him (the bare minimum a guardian should be providing for their child). Most of the issue is that he was diagnosed as a child with autism and they did nothing to help. They didn't try to learn about autism, they didn't try helping him or regulating him. He was bullied in school, they did nothing. He has mental health issues, they say he just needs to work harder.

So pretty much, before we even met he had these issues and concerns with his parents that were constantly shut down. We've been together for five years and moved in together 2 years ago.

My FIL encourages his sons to just work your way up, mental illness is just an excuse for unmotivated people, no work life balance. He doesn't like that I work a service-based job and don't make a lot of money. There was an instance that we were out to dinner and he was holding my wage over my head. We were talking about inflation and how $7.25 federal minimum wage is not enough to survive. He said something like "What, so McDonalds workers who scrub toilets all day should make more than you, # dollars an hour?" His eyes were bulging out of his sockets, for some reason this simple conversation enraged him this much. I decided that I wouldn't be coming to visit with fiancee if I was going to be treated that way, and I haven't since.

Recently, my FIL suggested that my fiancee get a loan in my name (there are some circumstances where my fiancee would not qualify for a loan). My fiancee said something like, "I'd have to talk about that with her but I don't really feel comfortable asking her that." My FIL suggested "leaving my ass" if I said no. Which is like? Hello? A loan could impact my credit and its not just a passive question to ask someone? Also we aren't even married yet so for me it's a no simply because of that.

Also, one of his brothers was talking shit about me too. Adding onto him already being an insufferable person to be around just because of his personality. He thinks that because fiancee doesn't want to hang out with him I must be controlling him. Maybe people just don't want to hear you talk shit about someone they're gonna marry?

My MIL is mentally ill and it debilitates her. My FIL does not try to understand her condition and blames her for being depressed pretty much. She talks a lot of shit about everyone in their family. This type of behavior is not ideal but I can work with that.

My fiancee was talking with his mom recently and vented to her about issues hes having with FIL. He mentioned to her that it hurts his feelings that FIL treats me and talks about me. She said she would talk to him.

A few days later, today, he asks MIL how the talk went. Apparently FIL said that he shouldn't have to change how he is to make me feel better. He thinks that I'm using fiancee for money and paying all our expenses. He thinks i'm manipulating him, he thinks "my issues" are bringing my fiancee "down with me".

FIL knows that I don't speak to my parents because they were abusive. It seems like he doesn't believe that they were. I don't have them in my life anymore because nothing they could offer me would be able to outweigh the abuse, disrespect and lack of accountability. I also don't have generational wealth like his family does, I have to work for what I have.

It just doesn't make sense. I'm gold digging but fiancee should be asking ME for a loan? No one is telling him to fundamentally change himself for me, although it would be really nice if he did. Why would you talk shit about someone's wife to their husband? Regardless of the issue that makes you a piece of shit. Also, I am not the one who "brainwashed" their son. He already had issues with them, they just ignored it when he stopped relying on them so much and coming to visit.

Honestly to me, I've been seeing my abusive parents in my ILs for a while. This stuff FIL is saying is not shocking to me at this point. But it is to my fiancee, because he really tries to see the good in them. He is hoping that they will be better, even if they don't want to try.

This is something that my fiancee will have to deal with. I already decided months ago that theres no reason for me to visit with them if they continue with their disrespect. We will be eloping at a courthouse, there will be no ceremony even though they're trying to push that idea.

I just am so over their shit. I'm not sure what my fiancee is going to do. His dad does not want to talk about it.