i hate myself

I feel insecure, unintelligent, and full of self-hatred. Ever since COVID, I’ve been depressed. I feel like I ruined my early twenties—six years of my life wasted—and I’m stuck in 2019. I still feel like a teenager, but I’m not. Yet, I don’t feel like an adult either. I feel nothing—no emotions, no connection. Talking to my family feels impossible, and I don’t even want to talk to myself. I hate myself when I look in the mirror, even while doing something as simple as brushing my teeth. That’s how much I despise the person I’ve become.

I feel jealous of other girls online—how pretty they look, the clothes they wear, the way they flex everything on social media. I have nothing to show, nothing to flaunt. The peer pressure crushes me, and I feel like I’ve destroyed my life. I haven’t had friends for the past six years. Now, I’m scared to talk to people, afraid they’ll judge me.

Every day I tell myself I’ll improve, but the results never seem to show. I hate seeing people even a little ahead of me. I compare myself constantly—it’s been my habit since childhood. I hate those who have achieved more than me. My communication skills are weak, and it feels like God sent me without any real talent.

I hate my looks. When I see other girls, they appear so beautiful, and I feel so ugly. Even when I scored rank 2 in a test today, I wasn’t happy—I only thought, “Why didn’t I get rank 1?” I want to be number 1, but instead, I’m drowning in insecurity. I don’t even know what happiness is anymore. I’m jealous of people for the smallest things—even if they have a nicer cat than me. I hate myself, and sometimes, I feel like I hate everyone.