The Release, Maybe.

I am not sure why this is being typed but somewhere I want this just out. Everything seems okay on surface but this fucking my own mind always play games with me. I am pretty cheerful at the moment and next moment I imagine thousand unnecessary possibilities to ruin that moment. There is no control over it. Tried being at calm, peace but somehow I come back at chaos. I have to I think sometimes.

Hello, This is me. 32 years old, unmarried, working hybrid, living in tier 3 city. Since I have been introduced to what it feels like to love someone, I feel everything might just fall into place easily if I find someone. Being unaware like everyone is, life threw itself on me. I have never been a speaker, an initiator to confess, and when I confessed I messed up pretty bad giving lifelong trauma for myself to say to someone how genuinely I love her if I find someone.

There were number of things happened in between till today while writing this. Financially I struggled, was never into savings for good chunk of my initial working years and currently hardly have couple of lacs saved up. Earning well for now but cannot save enough for marriage. Age isn’t on my side either. Having dreams of building up a home at my native place where I currently live but I have to take the loan to complete that. Parents are getting old and they need me here at my native place as they have put their heart in this place. They have medical ailments too to look at. I just want to see their happy faces worry free of their ailments.

And here I am, feeling myself as an utter failure. Because haven’t been able to save enough money, Haven’t been able to build a home or even cannot afford at my age. I know I should be giving them the best life for all the efforts they have put for my education but failing at every front.

Not able to tell this to anyone in my life. Haven’t cried in front of anyone, not even my best friends. Whenever I want to cry I just watch any intense emotional movie or series to get a good cry. It’s not like I don’t want to but I just cannot. I sometimes think I have mastered the art of faking smiles even to my loved ones. Overthinking has crushed everything even if it doesn’t happen most of the time but whenever it happens it’s just become tormenting for all the decisions that I have made. I know I have the people to talk to but I just cannot.

Ranting it here because face behind screen remains hidden and nonjudgmental about myself. There are worst fears I can think of right now which I know aren’t possible but occupies everything. I have my moments of genuine smile when I am surrounded with the right people and I just want to let them know how I feel when they are not around but fucking introvert in me just cannot. I just smile, blend in and plays that over in my head to get a good memory.

Writing this at night because these thoughts take me into deeper waters in the nights only. I am sorry if I have taken your time but wanted to fucking blurted out. I feel good but still there are so many things that just might stay there. It’s not anything like depression of sorts I think but they make me worry a lot.

Sorry again to have taken your time. Good night! :)