Inappropriate fixations and isolation

Not sure if this belongs somewhere else, but how many here struggle with highly inappropriate fixations, and find that it contributes to your isolating behavior?

I have had an extremely violent and inappropriate fixation since I was about 11 or 12 years old. No idea where it came from or why, but I have and still do spend many hours of my free time researching this topic, reading books and watching films about it, and hoarding any information or mention I can find about it. During school years I would try to sneak the topic into conversations where I could and inevitibly make everyone in the conversation very uncomfortable. As a teenager, I did this with anyone I could: my teachers, classmates, friends, and parents. Part of what made me do this was seeing the shocked and disgusted looks that they would give when I mentioned it.

Thinking back on this, it makes me absolutely mortified to know that I subjected others to this, and that I have wasted so much of my life on this. But at this point, I find my fixation to be such an integral part of myself that if I were to become close, really genuinely close, with anyone, they would have to become aware of just how consuming and ever-present it is for me. It makes me feel even more disgusting and detestable. I am extremely ashamed of it.

But trying to stop fixating is out of the question, it generates too many intense feelings for me that I can't get from anything else, not even drugs/alcohol, and it is on my mind constantly, even when I am trying not to think about it. I don't know if this is a common thing at all for people with AvPD, maybe it is a sign of something else?