Not completely a suicide post but leaning to it

I need advice urgently, please read.

Hi. I’m a (yr 11) just starting my gcse years.

I’ve struggled with depressive moods and anxiety throughout my life, more in recent years. This caused me want and do physical harm deliberately to myself . (It was never serious though).

I have a school councillor and I talk to him Often. They know about my past use of unhealthy coping mechanisms and depressive moods and talk to me sometimes about it.

Now, I’m just starting year 11 and I can already feel the depressive mood coming in and it’s worse. I can’t see anyway out. These past couple weeks I have severe mood swings, I’ll appreciate life but not want to be in it. I genuinely go to bed hoping I don’t wake up. I haven’t resorted to sh but I think about it. It’s starting to get to the point when I know I’m going to start doing it again.

I can’t tell my councillor because they will tell my mum, I will be a huge disappointment and my mum is goung through enough + she will just get angry at me.

Any thoughts or Opinions are appreciated