potentially ftmtf and struggling a little bit with the whole thing—transfeminine?

i don’t know what’s going on with my gender identity. i grew up feeling that i was transmasc and began HRT a couple years ago. over time a lot of things have changed, im starting to become dysphoric over my now masculine body, facial hair, beard shadow, shoulders, etc etc etc. a lot of the time i keep sort of thinking to myself that i wish i looked more like a girl? but at the same time, i don’t want to be a cis woman. i don’t want to “DE”transition. i am transgender and i will always be transgender, my experience of gender and my life is inherently transgender and genderqueer. i know my gender is genderqueer and i don’t fit the binary

i talked to a friend about it and she worded it as a sort of retransition, a transition again. i feel like i grew up in really weird cliquey gatekeepy queer environments so now im feeling really awkward about how to even think about myself/perceive myself. i don’t know if its a bad thing but i feel transfeminine in a way. is it bad for me to relate to that or consider myself transfeminine?