shame about where I am in education.

(potentially triggering things mentioned but I can't flair for every single thing)

I think the title is self explanatory. I feel a lot of shame, embarrassment, and disappointment in myself because I am literally TWO whole year levels behind my age group. It has only amplified these feelings within me since reddit has been suggesting content about people discussing what university they want to go to or even a few discussions where some said how easy my country’s senior level education work is.

Why am I behind two whole year levels? A very long story. SO, two years ago when I was 15 after my parents crack addiction had long since taken priority over the rent and dug us into insurmountable arrears, we were evicted. We were given 90 days, cleaned out the house I grew up in, and left it in good condition. Then we were left HUNTING for somewhere to stay because my parents were too prideful to stay with family members.

We ended up in an absolute bomb of a motel. Not being prissy or spoiled or sheltered. Our home we’d just been evicted from was in the worst area in my city. A place people tell each other to avoid and even some family wouldn’t visit us because of where we lived. (I think they’re all dramatic, it was quite nice and communal.) Anyways, the small room we all had to share had mold, cock roach infestation, no insulation, no curtains, and worst of all: gang members (quite nasty guys). My truancy got pretty bad, I was developing a severe ED, and started trying out drugs instead of going to school. The gang members? They started trying to press my parents. They started off with sly jabs in passing, then they stole all of our food (bathrooms and kitchen were all shared between residents), and eventually started throwing glass bottles up at our room from the ground in the middle of night and yelling all kinds of drunken obscenities.

Unbeknownst to me, my parents had managed to convince my grandfather to take me in because of the escalating threats from these guys. I was very hesitant at the time because he is quite strict and old fashioned. I thought we’d clash quite a bit and we did fight over things like the harsh yard work and confiscation of my belongings. While I was there living with my grandfather, I was supposed to enroll in school but we were having issues. We didn’t know where my birth certificate was. Which we needed in order to make him my primary caregiver and enroll me in school. My parents said he had taken it and he said they never gave it. For the 4-5 months I lived with him, this back and forth persisted.

I eventually made the move back to my parents after thinking I was ready to move back. Still in a motel, albeit a much much better one. There, I just plummeted psychologically. The year we were there, I left the motel three times. I hadn’t spoken to or heard from many of my friends by this point. I wasn’t eating anything and if I did, it was a handful of vegetables and a piece of meat. I started smoking a pack a day that I was stealing from my cracked out, arguing parents. Overall? I was just neglecting my hygiene and health. School? An after thought.

When we did finally get a home, my truancy persisted. It would be a long while before I crawled out of that hole. Late last year, I remember just kind of feeling like a failure. I already felt ugly and decided that, ‘if I was gonna be ugly, I better at least achieve something.’ So I dragged myself through enrolling into school via correspondence late last year and have been working at it since. I’m doing a lot better nowadays. I don’t do any drugs, I eat a very balanced diet, I work out often, I’ve been working through a lot of trauma and unlearning some bad habits but it doesn’t erase that gnawing feeling of shame around where I’m at in education.

I logically know that I’ve achieved a lot. I know that many would be where I am today if they had been in my shoes.. but I’m hard on myself. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I’m behind all my old friends, my siblings who grew up elsewhere, my cousins, and even people online despite the turbulence during those two years. I just struggle to alleviate this shame and embarrassment about being behind.