Just seeking some clarity

Hi everyone. I posted in the pregnancy subreddit a couple of days ago but I’ve been reading posts in here and would love some help and honestly just to lay my feelings out and see if anyone can relate.

I found out I’m pregnant on Thursday before I went to work. My last period started August 3rd so I guess right now I’d be 4 weeks and 6 days along. My gut reaction was literally “please no”, I immediately woke up my husband and told him I did not want to keep it and I booked an appointment for a PP telehealth consultation for an MA this coming Tuesday before I even had my morning coffee. He’s been completely supportive of whatever decision I make.

For context, we are both 28 years old. We’ve been married for two years, very happily. We have no ongoing relationship issues and everything is great. I just started my first real job (dentist) and he is starting a new job on Wednesday. We want kids. I want multiple actually, 2 or 3. But these last few days I have been completely sick over the idea of being pregnant. I don’t want this in me. I wake up every morning hoping for cramps or to see blood and wishing for a miscarriage so that the choice is out of my hands anyway. It’s hard. I was totally in denial and had no emotional reaction until this morning, and even that was just over the fear of guilt that I’ll feel if I terminate.

We COULD do it. We live in a small apartment but I guess we could move or even just have it here for a while. We make enough money, although we have no savings because I JUST started working last month. We’re happy in our marriage. It’s not like we don’t have the resources. I just.. don’t want it. I want it out of me. I wish with everything that I was not going through this right now. I feel completely dissociated and I cannot connect that I am pregnant and now either choice is make is something that I don’t want. I don’t want to be pregnant. I don’t want to make the decision to terminate and have to carry it with me forever, but I really don’t want this in me right now and I pray every night that I’ll wake up to cramps and blood, which makes me feel even worse.

My family is across the country, we have no friends, his family is in a different country altogether. We wanted to buy a house. He needs a new car. I have a LOT of student debt that we were going to pay aggressively for a while. I wanted to build a strong financial net before we had kids.

I thought maybe we’d try next year, when we’ve had time to settle into our new lives. I’ve been in school our whole marriage and was so excited to have real money and get to live the married life I’ve been dying to have, where we can take weekend trips and travel internationally and explore our new area (we just moved a month and a half ago cross country). I wanted to do whatever we want for a while and enjoy real life outside of school before settling down for kids. I want to get good at my job and not immediately have to take weeks or months off for a baby. I don’t know where it would go when we go back go work. We don’t know anybody up here and I probably wouldn’t want to put a newborn in daycare.

We loosely talked about having kids “soon” and I was tracking my cycle so we only had unprotected sex when I was well out of ovulation range, but obviously I wasn’t accurate enough and now here we are. I just wish this was not happening to me. I’m so careful and I plan things out and I HATE that I’m dealing with this and I just want it all to go away. I tried to envision us keeping it and instead of any ounce of positivity I just felt like I was accepting my fate reluctantly.

Anyway, I guess I know what I want to do but I’m feeling this fear of what other people would think of me if they knew. I can’t tell my family. They’ve always supported me but they’d be so incredibly disappointed and ashamed if they knew that I wanted to terminate in my situation. I can’t tell my friends because they don’t believe in abortion. I have some friends who are pregnant or just had babies and I’m jealous that they felt happy and wanted to keep it. I feel like a bad person because I know none of my friends would EVER consider abortion and I feel like I don’t deserve to be their friend if I do it. My mom would be so upset if she knew. I feel like I won’t be able to look her in the eye or talk to her again.

I just feel so upset that I’m dealing with this at all. Does anyone have any experience being in a pretty stable situation and just.. not wanting it yet? I always wanted kids before I was 30 but then I spent my entire 20s in school and my perspective has just shifted now. And I’m totally disappointed in myself for ending up in a situation I don’t want to be in.

Thank you all