Is this emotional abuse?

So before we begin, I feel very dumb about even creating this post but I don’t know who to turn to. I don’t really want to discuss this with friends or family because I don’t want to create hatred towards my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years if it’s not necessary and everyone likes him. So I’m establishing that I’m ignorant right off the bat so if we could be kind, I’d love and appreciate that.

There’s going to be a few triggers so if you’re sensitive, maybe skip this post altogether. I have also done my share of wrong doings.

So our first year together was great AND we were long distance so perhaps that helped; the space. Our second year was probably our worst year and we moved in together. Filled with arguments and some of the things that have been verbally said to me are still absolutely disturbing (ex: “you’re not even that pretty” “you’re literally the dumbest person I’ve ever met” “it’s not that I don’t like how you look physically, it’s just the soul attached to you that makes me not want to f*** you”)

These were the things that I have heard for most of year two - on top of discovering that he had an only fans account that he claims he never used during our relationship and deleted it. He also sent screenshots to his friend of girls we knew from high school and their only fans leaks. I found very gross IG searches on his phone (yes, I did break that boundary and look through his phone more times than I’d like to admit).

So I grew tired of this and I don’t know, maybe I should have left but I kept thinking that we were in a rough patch and that things could change. Then (and the reason I even have Reddit now because I’ve never truly used Reddit before) I found that he had a Reddit account and was logging in under private browser on his phone. He was saying insanely rude and mean things to those who were openly gay aka femme boys. I was already disturbed by that but then I found messages from what he said were bots. They could’ve been, it didn’t seem like a conversation you’d have with a normal person.

So I guess I just snapped. Again, I should have left but seeing how it’s as though he’s blurring the lines between cheating and not cheating, I ultimately made the worst decision of my life and cheated on him. I was very drunk, to the point where I honestly thought I was drugged and purchased a drug kit the next day, and found that I left the bar with a coworker and we slept together. I knew I couldn’t go back to my apartment out of fear that I would now get physically hurt (and perhaps, understandably so). He also did tell me that if I ever cheated that he would beat me up.

So I stayed at this coworkers house for less than a week and this is going to sound messed up, but I slightly enjoyed seeing my boyfriend frazzled. He was begging for me back, crying, asking me to just come lay down with him until he fell asleep at night, didn’t work for three days in a row (unlike him).

So then we discussed everything, I told him how mad and upset I’ve been (because he actually let me speak and didn’t aggressively shut me down and downplay every emotion I felt). He wanted to work through things and that’s when I thought “man, this guy must truly love me for me to do something so horrendous and yet, he wants to work things out.”

So another year passed in June and we were getting along and decided to move so that we could be closer to our mothers who were/are both sick. Now, it feels as though another step has been taken backwards. He always would preach to me how my narrative of him is so skewed. How I would feel uncomfortable watching nude or sex scenes in shows or movies and he would always fast forward through them for me. But he said my narrative of him was like a 15 year old boy. A body is a body and he doesn’t care for it like that. So then I moved on from that and just yesterday, I hadn’t looked in his phone in months but I wanted to know if the words matched his actions. He had never liked anything gross on IG before; I have only seen one bad search history. But I scrolled and realized during the two weeks I left to see my mom, he had liked a bunch of posts (ie: a girl lifting up her shirt with no bra on) and I was just blown away. This person who I thought was showing me his soft, gentlemanly side was not who I thought he was.

I cried for hours and was angry for hours (a true fit for a toddler) and he would not give me a straight forward answer. Eventually, he said it’s because he was mad that we agreed on a return date and then I changed all of the plans around. Now, I understand with the cheating incident him maybe feeling uncomfortable or like something was going on but we didn’t discuss that. The reason I stayed longer was for my childhood cat. He had to be rushed to the ER and that’s my baby. He couldn’t breathe, became neurologically impaired afterwards and I needed to feel comfortable leaving and knowing he’d be ok.

So with that being said, and to note that I didn’t once discuss a positive thing about this man but there are many positives believe it or not, I need to know if I’m being totally delusional. Again, please be gentle, I don’t know who you are ask at this point. Thank you 🖤